Faith, Spiritual Life, Suffering

Trudging Through The Mud

June 24, 2015

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I learned recently that in between winter and spring exists a season referred to as the “mud season.” It’s the time when the ground is slowly starting to thaw just enough for the snow to melt, but not enough for new life to spring forth. The moisture from the melted snow collects on the ground creating a layer of mud everywhere. It’s messy, ugly, and hard to drive on. As long as the cold remains, the mud season stays. It’s only when the sun begins to warm the earth and the ground fully thaws that the mud will recede and spring makes its way. Kind of depressing, I know.

For the last six months I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in my own personal mud season. This period of in between. Not the deadness of winter, but not the new life of spring either. I’ve felt aimless and hopeless. Lonely and lost. To tell you the truth, it is probably one of the darkest seasons I’ve ever walked through. And to get even more real, I’m not handling it well.

Six months ago I had plans. Plans for what this year was going to look like. Big dreams filled with big projects and great hope that God was going to use me this year for something amazing. That all the crumminess I had dealt with the year before would now be put to use to build up Jesus and His people and bring me that joyous harvest for all the previous year’s hard toiling. Wrong.

I found myself two months into this new year being asked to do something I didn’t expect. I was asked to let go. To let go of everything that made me feel like me. Ministries, passions, dreams, desires- all of it was to be handed over to God. Of course being the stubborn human I am, I fought back. I pushed and clawed. I sought new and different paths to get to where I wanted to go. Each time I did, God would slam the door close, reminding me once again that He was in control and what he wanted was for me to surrender to the mud. To embrace the season of the in between.

I wish I could tell you my immediate response was obedience and joy. I wish I could tell you that I was hopeful and expectant. But that’s a big ol fat lie. Instead, I threw a pity party. I cried for days on end. I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped talking to my friends. I got angry and bitter. If God was going to make me live in the mud season, He was going to have to drag me through it. And that’s exactly what He did.

One morning I was having breakfast with Kelly (you remember our lovely Kelly, right?) and she said something really impactful to me. She told me, “Maybe God is giving you this season to show you that even if your hands aren’t to something, you still are valuable to Him.” I knew she was right. I had built up so much of who I was based on everyone and everything around me that I thought as long as I had those things, as long as I was _____ kind of person, then God would love me and see me as valuable. But maybe, just maybe, He had to take it all away to show my how precious I was to him simply because I was me.

The idea felt simple enough, but is still a hard lesson to learn. Because as I moved forward, I didn’t know who “me” was. Some mornings I’d be picking out the clothes I was going to wear and I’d just start crying. I was so unsure of myself that even getting dressed was a struggle. Things I once loved didn’t seem to be as thrilling. Passions I once had began to fade. The me I had known no longer existed and I had no idea who this new Heather was. As time went on, it felt as though the proverbial mud was getting more dense and instead of walking through it, I was simply stuck.

Two weeks ago it all came crashing down. I had reached a point of exhaustion in this season of mud where I just didn’t want to go forward. Again, I found myself crying for days. Angry at God for keeping me here. Angry at my friends for not calling me to hang out or reaching out to me to see how I was. Angry at Jeff for getting to do something he loved. I had resolved that although I knew God was good, His goodness had run out when it got to me. He didn’t love me, because if He did, He’d get me out of the mud.

As Jesus would so lovingly have it, I happened to get a call from the one person who knew what I was feeling- my brother. He’s been in a mud season for almost three years now, and if anyone knew what it was like, it was him. After pouring out my woes to him through sobs, he laughed. Not because he saw my pain as funny, but because he knew something I didn’t. He told me that some days, it’s ok if all I can muster up to God are the words grace and strength. It’s ok if there are days when my legs are so tired of walking through the mud that all I can do is be drug through it by God. I just have to be willing to hold on.

Like I said, my brother is still in his mud season. But something he’s learned that I am working on, is moving from knowing to believing. I know God is good. I know He has a plan for me and that it includes me moving out of this season. I know it. But I don’t believe it.  Because when I believe that God still loves me, still has good for me, and won’t leave me stuck here forever…I begin to have hope again. I can begin to trudge through the mud, letting my legs get stronger as a result, able to run and embrace whatever lay beyond the in between.

I’m slowly coming to see that it’s in these moments when are at our greatest discomfort, feeling the least like ourselves, that we can fully see God for who He is and who he dreams for us to be. Sometimes it just takes us walking through the mud.

If you find yourself like me, trudging through your own season of in between, sister, you are not a lone. I see you, I ache alongside you, and I too am silently whispering moment by moment to God to just give me grace and strength for today. Together, let’s keep holding on to Christ, working to believe that spring is coming. Until then let’s embrace the mud, and with each step, find hope that whatever is next is just around the corner.

 

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  • Connie Almony June 24, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    I’ve always loved God metaphors in nature. I think because nature is seasonal and that even the darkest seasons have purpose. I almost fell over when I researched the care of blueberry bushes (back when I thought I could just plant blueberries in my backyard) and found out they aren’t just okay to grow where it gets cold, but they REQUIRE so many days below freezing in order to produce lots of fruit. Strawberries do best after snowy seasons. God is trying to tell us something in His creation. It’s all around us.
    Heather, I LOVE your blog! I’ve said this here before. I love your transparency. As a Christian counselor I’ve worked mostly with young women who the world saw as productive, perfectionistic and successful, but inside they felt like helpless failures with no worth … and alone. They are NOT alone. We are all broken, seeking wholeness. We get a glimpse of that here on earth, but mostly we are holding our broken parts together with the help of a Savior here. And thru it all we are LOVED. Those young women were accomplishing much more than they knew. God hadn’t revealed it all to them yet. They just needed to trust He would use all their little interventions in big ways. Like he is using YOU.
    I am broken! I am slugging through the mud. I sometimes feel I can’t do it anymore … And then I read a blog that reminds me I’m not alone. Someone who’s inspired many is slugging also. So maybe my slugging is not in vain. I guess I’ll keep doing it.
    Thanks Heather!

  • Delaney June 24, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    I’m also in a season of in between – a season of moving from knowing what is true to believing what is true. It’s always comforting to know you’re not alone in whatever you’re struggling with, so thank you, Heather, for this post.

  • Christianna June 24, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    I feel like I’ve been in a mud season for a couple of years and was never able to understand a real purpose behind it. I love the phrase Kelly said to you. Thanks for sharing, Heather.

  • Erin June 24, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    Wow, Heather. Really, this is the first time I’ve thought of mud seasons as being a metaphor for a soul season. I had a traumatic brain injury and some strokes, and recovering’s been a mud season for me. I can finally start to see grass peeking through the puddles and growing. I’ve grown to feel Jesus holding me, and it’s a tiny piece of truth to hold onto. My heart goes out to you, Heather, and I pray that what you’ve learned in the mud season brings you to spiritual springtime.

  • Michelle June 24, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    Can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like this over the past months. I feel like I’ve been saying, “I believe; please help my unbelief!” But probably not even believing as I say that. I’ve been so bitter lately and it seems like I put myself where I am–all my friends are off at church camps and mission trips and traveling and great things while I’m stuck in summer classes at college. I’ve made myself believe that my friends aren’t for me. I’ve made myself lonely. I even have been thinking, Do I REALLY even know the Gospel? Like, REALLY know it. Believe it. Trust it. I’ve been trying to make myself valuable in different ways. I told myself, At least I’m a good person.
    Wrong.
    I’m a terrible person, but God loved me first in spite of the mess I am. Just because.
    I’m working on REALLY believing this.^ But I realize that striving in my own power doesn’t make sense. So I’m just trying to figure out how to let God have everything.
    Whew. What a ramble.
    Thank you for this post. <3

  • A Worn Girl June 24, 2015 at 9:52 pm

    Just. What. I. Needed. Wow, thank you so much. I can’t express how much this post helped me!

  • Tiffany June 25, 2015 at 2:13 am

    I cant tell you how much God spoke to me through this.
    I had huge plans for this year because i graduated and i had a boyfriend and all of that. Two months in and i miss a month of school because of a sickness, i get dumped, and i couldn’t participate in my favorite sport, and got betrayed by my “best” friend. Everything fell apart. I struggled through the end of my senior year barely keeping it together. I just didnt understand. Now…I’m graduated and floating day by day just waiting for college to start. Im stuck trying to heal and let go.. but I’m stuck in the mud not knowing what to do. Sometimes i have no clue how to feel or pray. This blog came at the perfect time. Heather, God is working through you and your pain to bring Him glory. Your willingness to share on all these blogs have been SUCH an encouragement to me and everyone else. This blog especially, reminded me that theres hope and purpose. Thank you.