Faith, Fear, God, Suffering, Uncategorized

Scaredy Cat

June 8, 2016

woods

I can’t speak Spanish and I can’t dance, so you’d never know I’m Colombian, but it’s true.

 

My grandma, “Lulu” who loves all things tropical, tells us stories of how the weather in Colombia was—balmy and breezy and plants live year-round. My grandpa was a neurosurgeon and helped people he knew could never pay him. My dad grew up playing soccer and sneaking into the neighbors cherry tree with his brothers to eat the ripe fruit.

So life there sounds beautiful except for the hard parts. Like the time when they came home and thieves had emptied their house of everything valuable. Or when the neighbor kids were kidnaped for ransom. Or when my dad was jumped on the street walking home from school. My dad learned to watch his back because he lived in a place where if you weren’t careful, you’d be taken advantage of or stolen from.

When Brendon, my husband, visited my family’s house before we started dating, my dad told him, “This place is like Alcatraz, man. I see everything.” Laugh all you want, but it wasn’t a joke. (Insert crying smiling emoji face here)

He probably wouldn’t be too happy with me if I disclosed his multiple security systems, but lets just say when a “Secret Admirer” left an anonymous note in our mailbox with a rose one afternoon when I was in high school, my dad and I watched the security camera footage to find out who it was. HAHAHA POOR GUY!

 

So I feel very safe in my parents house. I grew up being taken care of and my mom always nurtured my intuition of knowing if a person or place was unsafe. She would point out potential dangerous situations and she taught me to be alert and walk like a boss through dark parking lots at night (and maybe carrying pepper spray). 😉 Having parents that are aware is a GIFT. They taught me well and have always reminded me that God will surround me in whatever situation. He is a fierce guardian and He is my strength.

 

But that lie creeps in. You’re. Not. Safe.

 

When I’m home alone or by myself, the questions come… Are the doors locked? Is the alarm on? Are there people outside rustling around? What was that noise? Am I going to be okay? How will I defend myself if someone gets in? Am I safe at home alone? Can anyone tell I’m afraid? Should I sleep with a knife by my bed?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself and I know I’m not alone. Being “fearless” is kind of trendy (that’s a T Swift song, right?) but let’s be real. Fear is a bitch. (excuse my language) But seriously.

I’m afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of being taken away from the people I love. I’m afraid that I’ll be found out… that I’m not that strong.

 

I know that because I’m writing about fear it seems like I should have some insight or inspirational advice, but I don’t. I’ve been thinking about why I’m afraid sometimes for THREE DAYS. And turns out, I haven’t really settled it, but I do know one thing:

 

When I’m scared, I pray.

 

So maybe that’s it. I still don’t fully understand why some places and situations make me nervous, but I do know what to do to calm my racing heart down. Praying helps me acknowledge that God is all around me and I remember that He says that He will guard me. Fear doesn’t define me, but the little moments of asking Him to be close when I am afraid is lifechanging. I will keep wrestling with this until I see my heart more clearly because I know that God can grow me out of this fear little by little.

If you’re afraid of losing someone or something, of being uncertain, of being alone at night, you’re definitely not alone, girlfriend. Even when it’s confusing,

What are you afraid of? What have you learned that has calmed your fears?

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  • Leah June 8, 2016 at 9:15 am

    One of my biggest struggles is fear, honestly. So much of what I do and say is rooted in fear.
    I’m afraid of being home alone. I’m afraid of losing loved ones. I fear being separated from the people I love even if we’re both still alive. I’m afraid of being attacked in the night. I’m afraid of being unprepared if I am attacked. I’m scared of what people think of what I say and do, my choices and convictions, how I dress and talk and walk. I am terrified of letting my little siblings out of my sight. I’m afraid of losing everything familiar. I’m afraid of not being in control. I’m afraid of being known and rejected. I’m afraid of uncertainty.
    Like you, Nina, I find that praying really calms my soul. Uplifting Christian music does too. If I concentrate on truth instead of a lie (i.e. fear), my soul can be still, and my heart rate goes down to a (somewhat) normal pace.
    Y’all we HAVE to remember that FEAR IS JUST A LIE.
    The truth is that God is always with us and He is greater than anyone or anything.
    This doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or experience awful things, it simply means He will be with us and He’s in control– He loves us and He knows what He’s doing.
    Combat the lie with some solid truth.

  • Casie June 8, 2016 at 4:53 pm

    Nina thank you for coming out and writing this blog post. I for one have fear; the same fears you are face with as well. But I know I should try is praying when I’m scared. Cause for me God himself can always comfort us in a way we can never imagine. And I will try to pray more when I’m scared. Thank you again for writing this blog post.

  • Beloved June 16, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Nina, this is pretty late, but I just wanted to say…ME.TOO.
    I’m scared of the dark, I’m afraid of losing things and people, I’m afraid of reaching out, I’m scared of new things, of change, I’m afraid of showing who I am deep inside. (Maybe some of my friends won’t like the real me underneath) Fear eats away at me too, all the time. Prayer IS the only thing that has ever put some peace on my mind concerning these things. Thank you for this blog post! It was encouraging <3

  • Kayla June 22, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    I know this comment is a little late but I just found out about y’all’s blog. Nina, thanks for sharing this I wrestle with fear every day. I wrestle with all of the fears you mention as well but the biggest fear I struggle with is basically the fear of the unknown. When I was a teenager I was at home by myself with my younger brothers when someone broke into the house, we hid in the master bedroom closet until the police arrived. Until they got there I could every noise the person made in the house and that so super scary! Since then I’ve really struggled with fear but what calms me down best is praying like you said and reading verses of scripture that talk about fear and listening to some christian music that talks about it helps too.