Sooo, I actually haven't been on this blog in forever, but I just got on a whim and returned! I love the community that you girls promote. Sooooo typical high school girl drama. I was best friends with this guy for a year, and it turns out he liked me. I don't wanna say that I was completely oblivious to the fact that he liked me, but I didn't recognize it. We were best friends and I liked that. I liked that he held me accountable in my walk with Jesus. I liked that he was always there for me, and that for the first time in forever I had someone to hang out with and text everyday. I don't know, I guess I was to busy cherishing our friendship to even consider it being something more. Long story short, I find out he likes me, we try to be something more - it doesn't work. It ended bad. It ended with me feeling very vulnerable and very judged. On top of all that, I revealed some struggles I was having in my walk with Christ. I felt ashamed. So we go through the crappy phase of "yeah were friends" but when the reality is you aren't. So fast forward to the middle of junior year. I'm juggling basketball and college classes and honors pre-cal because good life choices (sarcasm) and pressure to be as good as my peers (no sarcasm) led me to do all of this. I have another guy best friend. We both play ball, and we both love Jesus. Our friendship is growing in Christ so much. We both want more than the stereotypical christian life that many of our peers take on as we live in the Bible belt. (more so worse due to the fact that we live in the most hick town) We become accountability partners. And around 1 am on a girls night, because all reasonable decisions about boys are made then, I confess that I like him in a bitter argument we're having. I feel like this is the right thing to do. I know what I want. I want a guy who loves Jesus and builds me up in that, so thinking that it's him, I tell him. *Drops Bomb* He doesn't like me like that, for whatever reason. My 16 year old heart is broken, and I cry for a number of hours. Because for 1). When you live in a small town and go to school with only 400 kids, you're probably related to over 1/2 of them and 2). the other half don't love Jesus. They don't even know Him. They put on the mask that the Bible belt provides them with, but they don't feel the true love. I guess he was the first guy worth liking in a long time. However, yet again I find myself in the same phase of "yeah we're friends" when really we're not. I've lost two friends. Two friends who held me accountable and reminded me on which heaven ward goal I was striving toward when things got rough or I strayed. It's not the fact that in either situation we didn't work out romantically, but rather that I've lost the friendships I cherished. My heart has broken in so many ways over these last couple months of school, and I tried to fix these relationships. I've come to the realization that only God can mend these relationships in which so many things have been broken, misunderstood, or confused. I just ask for prayers that He would fix them. I feel so lonely and ostracized from not only my friend group, but sports in which we all play. I just want peace. I want friends. I want understanding and love to be replaced.
Posted in: Relationships on October 9, 2016