I don't think that I process my emotions correctly. My grandfather on my mom's side passed away Saturday morning after the doctors finding a brain tumor Thursday night. He'd been having health issues with his heart, so we'd all been kind of expecting it to happen, but not for a couple of years. And not because of his head. It sounds terrible, but I wasn't sad that he died. I was sad for my family (especially my mom and younger cousins) for having to go through it.And today I found out that my grandfather on my stepdad's side has rapid liver cancer, and the doctors only gave him a couple of months to live. I don't feel sad. I just feel numb and weird. I chalk it up to numbing myself emotionally whenever bad stuff happens - a childhood habit that I've had since my parents divorced when I was six.I'm afraid that because of this, I don't let myself get close to anyone emotionally. I have yet to tell any of my friends about my grandfather's recent death, or that my other one has cancer, apparently. I can't talk about this, and I feel like this is going to follow me throughout my life, unable to talk about my feelings due to situations that I've encountered.I don't like my two closest friends. I feel like everything could spin out of control and I'm terrified of the future. I'm scared that I won't ever meet "The One" and that I'm creating an idol out of the idea of getting married. I feel selfish that I feel all of these things, but not sadness for my grandpa dying, or the other one having cancer. I don't know. I just need prayer for strength. And probably a lot of other things.Sorry for rambling. I was only going to type a couple of things and this all vomited out.
Posted in: Other on September 28, 2016