Hey sweet friends! This is a follow-up from my last post. It was long and rantish and yeah... I was really down that day. Even though everything I said was true, I was being sinfully angry and y'all had to be subjected to that. So I'm sorry for my bitterness and sinful anger.After a blow-up last Sunday night with my mom. I do not usually totally blow-up, but when I do, it's loud and crazy and even after I stop screaming, I want to scream for hours so I shut up like a clam.Well, we talked (well, mostly SHE talked) and I realized with horror I needed to surrender e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g to God. Horror because 1) I have a very profound fear of the unknown. and 2) I have an even more intense fear of not feeling in control. I knew I could trust God. (Kind of) What I was really terrified about was the fact that I didn't know who I was when I wasn't insisting to be controlling of my life. My control, mistrust, perfectionism and bitterness have defined my life, even when I thought they weren't. I didn't know what to do without them cause I always ended up running back to them!I blinked and cried and decided I needed to actively change NOW or else I really never would.My mom told me she didn't want me to do school tomorrow. (I cried I was so relieved. btw, I'm homeschooled)So I took off work, and sat down, read a Christian Biography, and slowly, steadily, handed over every hurt, pain, sin, anger I could think of. I didn't feel terribly different. Just felt peaceful. Oh so peaceful. I've asked forgivness from my family. It's been a process (I yelled at people that Monday!) and will be a process, I know, and I'm okay with that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect *right now*. I'm at rest with that. I'm at rest with my life (though it's not the life I would've chosen) I'm at rest in His love. I know He has thrown my sins into the depths of the sea and I promised Him I would do my best to not go fishing for them anymore. He's all I want, all I need, my everything. I wondered why I couldn't find rest and I angrily demanded answers. The subtle but monumental answer was surrender. I finally feel rest.Hallelujah!
Posted in: Faith on September 26, 2016