Today is one of the hardest days. Everyone around me is trying to tell me how to "fix" my mindset and they seem to think I shouldn't be overwhelmed, drained, or lonely, angry or confused. They say "It's just life!" "Just life" is just a little too much right now. And I already know what I SHOULD do. Now my mom misjudged me and is totally disappointed in me. My mom is the only reason I haven't run away yet. I hate the conflict. I can't stand how everyone either pretends nothing is at all wrong (I'm the only one sitting there like, "OK, he just said that to you and you aren't giving him what-for?!") OR they suddenly fly off the hook over the thing that's been happening everyday for the past how-many-months and go crazy for half an hour.I've given up because all my attempts to help and do right and be good--it doesn't work and I'm tired of using so much emotional energy to do things that don't help at all. And my situation...well, it only gets worse. The people who tell me to fix myself make my life harder themselves (half of the time by telling me to fix myself simply out of exasperation and offering no support)! I beat myself up cause I feel like a coward to just give up. But I haven't given up (completely) for almost 5 years now. In my immediate family everyone thinks I'm dramatic, they don't (won't) understand my trouble, and they either hate me or are disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.Point being, my life is a mess and everyone can't understand how I can't just sit there and cheerfully suck up the lies, injustice, chaos, confusion, hate, and disturbing tolerance of sin. Seriously. A family member told me I needed to just be cheerful and do what I needed to do. WHAT?! Maybe running away doesn't help, but staying makes it worse, at least in my case.Sorry the the rant, but no one understands except for God and I'm so lonely and angry. And I'm getting bitter and I hate what I'm becoming. I had to share with somebody and that certainly wouldn't be with my family. Please pray for me when/if you think of me. Thanks for bearing with me if you made it this far!

Posted in: Relationships on September 20, 2016

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