As an oncology nurse, I have the honor of meeting and caring for amazing patients and families. As a nurse we are supposed to care for our patients, not about them. We are supposed to somehow build a wall around our hearts to protect us. For someone with a heart like mine that can be impossible, as was the case when I met the man of my dreams who just happened to be a patient. I never meant to fall for him and in fact denied it and tried to stuff those feelings for a long time. While not unheard of it is definitely taboo and frowned upon for relationships to develop between nurse and patient. He is now actively dying and my heart is breaking. After an amazing visit last Tues night I was on cloud 9. We laughed, we talked, we held each other like we never wanted to let go, we took pictures. It was amazing. Until Thurs morning when my manager said the patient felt overwhelmed by me and wanted no further contact. So now I've been cut off from even his friend whom I'd been texting. Not a word since Wed night. I don't know if the love of my life is alive or dead. I don't understand what happened. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up. I've been to my PCP and a grief counselor from work but I don't have friend or family support. I've only known this amazing man for 13 months but he changed my life. I had to keep my feelings for him secret from my coworkers for fear I'd be fired. So now I am grieving all alone. The few who know now think I'm grieving from the rejection. I choose to believe he is protecting me even though it hurts. I'm grieving the loss of our once in a lifetime love. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at the system that's kept us apart. I'm angry at the cruelty of this world. And I'm so angry at cancer. Add to that the fact that 5 of the 7 people I gave up my life in NC for to move to AR (my brother and his family) are moving to TN the end of July and my only friend is moving to MD the end of this month and I really have nothing left to live for. I would love nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. This is all too much. Not to mention the suspicious lesion on my cervix. Results pending. All I can think is cancer. Occupational hazard.

Posted in: Relationships on May 18, 2015

Respond to This Prayer Request

  • June 4, 2015

    Thank you for the update! Still praying for you!! God will be with you through this hard time I pray you feel him with you!
    Great news that your results are normal!!

  • June 3, 2015

    Thank you for the prayers and kind responses.

    Update: He passed away at home surrounded by family on May 23. My mom, who never met him and did not until recently realize the depth of our affection, kindly drove me to the memorial service on May 27. I wasn't sure how I would be received by his family, but I could not have felt more loved. His mom and I melted in each other's arms as she told my mom what a blessing I'd been to them for the 13 months of his fight. His dad, who is not a hugger or cryer, gave me a bear hug and wept in my arms. His best friends were thankful I was there and assured me our friendships would not end because he was gone. And we have texted most every day. Taking care of each other as he would want us to.

    At work on Sat (my first night back in over 2 weeks) I received an amazing gift from the grave. The nurse who last cared for him had a man to man talk with him. The TRUTH is that he was overwhelmed not by me but by the grief over a great love lost. He said "If she is willing to stay by me, to hold onto and love me so much knowing I'm dying, imagine what we could have had!" He added that if doctors had given him 3 to 5 years "we would have run with it full speed ahead." He made the hard choice to say he didn't want me around at the end because he felt guilty he couldn't give me more time/what he felt I deserved.

    Thanks to his selflessness, my last memories of him are an amazing last night laughing and cuddling then kissing him goodbye. He was still in his right mind. I did not experience him confused, agitated and combative at the end. He loved me so much he protected me, even tho it hurt him to make that choice. THAT is the man I know and loved.

    My friend moved and I'm ok. My brother and his family are preparing to move and I have not had time to process that.

    My test results came back normal. No cancer. Recheck in 6 to 12 months but my doctor is not concerned.

    Still struggling with anger at God but I have visited a church that spoke to my heart and am looking to get more connected (difficult working nights and a weekend or 2 per month).

    Thank you again. Still a long road of grieving ahead but I'm starting to live again.

  • May 31, 2015

    Hello Sweet Friend, you who I've only just 'met' through your message, and yet wish I could embrace and encourage you as if we best pals. Please know you are not alone. Sometimes life can make you feel that way, make you feel like it would just be better to curl up and sleep...so you don't have to face everything that makes your heart hurt so much. I can tell you have an immensely caring and big heart...it is practically a job requirement for those who serve as nurses and especially in oncology. This incredibly beautiful, bold, big heart of yours is God's outpouring of love in and through you. We can love because he first loved us. What a great blessing you are to your patients and those who experience the care that you give. Even this patient you speak of. I don't know why you are walking through this uncertain and painful time. One that seems abrupt and without good purpose. I hope to encourage you by saying that the time you spent with this man, had great purpose. Even though you may not see it, or may not understand it in this lifetime, God has great purpose for all moments in your life. He loves you and he has great plans for you, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Hold tight to the truth that He is good, and cling to the truth that he is so deeply in love with you, his beloved daughter. Don't let your beautiful, big heart hide away because of these things that are happening...because the beauty within you can be the light someone needs to see God. You don't have to walk through this alone, God has got you...and your sisters across the world are lifting you up as well! Keep pressing on and waking up each morning knowing that your life has purpose, even in the pain. Love from my heart to yours today and praying for you!

  • May 26, 2015

    I can't be a great help with your situation but I want you to know I am praying for you.
    Sometimes you can't help who your heart loves, we want to be in control of our hearts but we aren't. God put that man in your life for a reason or maybe you were put in his life for a reason only God knows the reason and for who needed who. the fact is you fell in love with someone that others would say is wrong but it happened any way. God can and will heal your hurt. I pray God gives you comfort in this time and that your tests turn out alright .