As an oncology nurse, I have the honor of meeting and caring for amazing patients and families. As a nurse we are supposed to care for our patients, not about them. We are supposed to somehow build a wall around our hearts to protect us. For someone with a heart like mine that can be impossible, as was the case when I met the man of my dreams who just happened to be a patient. I never meant to fall for him and in fact denied it and tried to stuff those feelings for a long time. While not unheard of it is definitely taboo and frowned upon for relationships to develop between nurse and patient. He is now actively dying and my heart is breaking. After an amazing visit last Tues night I was on cloud 9. We laughed, we talked, we held each other like we never wanted to let go, we took pictures. It was amazing. Until Thurs morning when my manager said the patient felt overwhelmed by me and wanted no further contact. So now I've been cut off from even his friend whom I'd been texting. Not a word since Wed night. I don't know if the love of my life is alive or dead. I don't understand what happened. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up. I've been to my PCP and a grief counselor from work but I don't have friend or family support. I've only known this amazing man for 13 months but he changed my life. I had to keep my feelings for him secret from my coworkers for fear I'd be fired. So now I am grieving all alone. The few who know now think I'm grieving from the rejection. I choose to believe he is protecting me even though it hurts. I'm grieving the loss of our once in a lifetime love. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at the system that's kept us apart. I'm angry at the cruelty of this world. And I'm so angry at cancer. Add to that the fact that 5 of the 7 people I gave up my life in NC for to move to AR (my brother and his family) are moving to TN the end of July and my only friend is moving to MD the end of this month and I really have nothing left to live for. I would love nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. This is all too much. Not to mention the suspicious lesion on my cervix. Results pending. All I can think is cancer. Occupational hazard.
Posted in: Relationships on May 18, 2015