Faith, Fear, God, Redemption, Suffering

Dear Despair

July 2, 2014

 

Dear Despair

You used to be an old friend of mine.  We would sit for hours while you told me lie after lie and I would listen.  You saw into my heart and you knew the strings to pull bringing me closer to you and farther away from truth and peace.  You somehow shadowed my vision so that all I saw in front of me was the painful circumstances at hand.  It was as if your home was a deep pit and once I walked through the door I would fall onto your cement floor and stay for awhile.

You sat across from me and told me this life was too much for me.  You told me there would be no more money to provide for my needs.  You told me there would be no job coming to my door and my searching would go in vain.  You told me I would be alone forever and no one would ever want me.  You told me that I wasn’t worth much.  You told me death would win and I would be left only in sadness without hope.  You told me my burdens would continue to push me down and this struggle would get the best of me.  You told me there was only light if I could see it, feel it, and sense it.  You told me to put my hope only in my friends, family and others who I admired.  You taught me how to put people on pedestals and secretly worship them.  When I sat there crying you told me I had every right to be upset- I deserved to feel hopeless- I deserved to feel like the victim, to remain the victim.  In some twisted way that brought me comfort.  In some twisted way it gave me control.  You told me God was failing me and He didn’t really care at all.

For some reason I trusted and believed you.

But even in my doubts of a loving God and in my believing of your lies… truth broke through as it always ends up doing.  You were wrong.  You didn’t tell me- ” He knows what He is doing with me, and when He has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold!!” (Job 23:10)

You didn’t tell me that God may be calling me to live my life without something I never thought I could live without.  But if I have Him- I have the only wealth, health, love, honor, and security I really need and cannot lose.

You didn’t tell me that these present burdens are actually mercies from God.

You didn’t tell me when it feels like God is killing me He is actually saving me!!

 You didn’t tell me of the redemption that lies at the end of all this.  The Joy available to me in every moment.  The peace residing in me who is Jesus.

My trust has not been in God but has been in my circumstances, public opinion and my own competence!

I may not always understand… but I now see the truth.

God will provide for all of my needs.  (Matthew 6)

I don’t have to fear because God is always with me and I’m never alone.  (Isaiah 41:10)

I am worth more than sparrows.  (Matthew 10:31)  The sparrows were worth nothing… and yet God was concerned with them!  He cared for them and not one of them fell to the ground without God knowing.  If God is concerned with these birds… how much more He must be concerned with me?

Death may come and sickness may sneak in, but even death cannot overcome me or my God.  (1 Cor. 15)  There can somehow be peace present in the pain.  Unimaginable peace.  Unexplainable hope!

There is light.  When I don’t see it, feel it, or sense it…. it is there.  (2 Sam.22:29, Ps. 27:1, Psalm 4:6, Ps. 119:105, 119:130, John 8:12, 2 Cor. 4:6, 1 Peter 2:9)

God will not fail me.  (Jos. 1:5)  At times I feel as though He has dropped me from His hands.  But in those times I now see my faith is found in God, not my feelings.  He is Gracious and Holy.  Merciful and Loving.

You’re very good at persuading me to look at what God may not be doing.  But you forget that it’s all about who God is.

Dear Despair

You won’t win.  You cannot have my heart, my thoughts and my body.  I have believed your lies too often and now I see the truth.  For even when I am discouraged I will look to Him and rejoice in what He did for me, I will have the joy and hope necessary- and the freedom to follow the call of God when times seem at their darkest and most difficult.  I choose to not remain a victim.  I will stand up and shadow my eyes from the darkness so that all I can see is Him standing there with me- lifting my heavy shoulders, teaching me how to walk again up the mountain, and bringing me out of this shining as pure gold.

“We’ve all felt it- the uncertainty, pain or fear that leaves us on the brink of despair.  Perhaps you are feeling it today as you rise to meet what greets you.  We close our eyes and drink in the truth like water: He is our hope.”- Anonymous

 

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  • emily July 2, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Thank you so much Kelly!

  • Lane July 2, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Thank you. :) God is showing me that an idol in my life is acceptance from people. When I don’t feel accepted by them…I lay in bed and despair. Lol. My trust should be ultimately in God and WHO He is and who He says I am. That can be hard. I have so many weaknesses and insecurities, so I hardly feel “good enough.” I’m the worship leader at my small church, and I struggle with anxiety (especially while on stage), and it messes with my mind—bad memory, poor congnitive awareness, inability to imagine God, emotional numbness, etc….and this makes it feel almost impossible to truly worship God because I can’t even picture Him because my mind is so cluttered with anxiety. Because of these cognitive problems, I’d like to do repetitive and simple contemporary songs…rather than regular, more-complex songs…but I’m not really allowed to do repetitive songs. That hurts because I’m 1. Not getting paid for it and 2. I can’t even truly worship AS the WORSHIP LEADER. It’s easy to feel unappreciated… Anyway, it discourages me because I feel like I’m not good enough musically or spiritually…and leading worship is what I think God wants me to do career-wise as well… Please pray that God helps me to truly worship Him, frees me of anxiety (which He did on the cross I think), and helps me to be a better singer and musician, etc. I guess I’ll practice more, so much, that the words and chords are seered in my brain. 😉

  • Jess July 2, 2014 at 11:45 am

    I chose to believe something a little different than despair, but just as destructive. My eating disorder voice, or Ed. It tells me that I will NEVER be enough and I won’t ever be beautiful, it tells me that without it, I would be weak, but somehow with it I am strong…
    I am going into treatment soon, because I can’t seem to stop listening to the lies, I know they’re lies, but I take them like truth, if that make any sense.
    Prayers would be so appreciated if anyone thinks of it!

    • beautifulandprecious July 3, 2014 at 7:53 am

      I’m saying a prayer for you. Remember Jesus’ words in John 8- “the truth will set you free.” God loves you so much! And He genuinely *cares!!-1Peter 5:7. If you look up the original Greek for “cares,” in that verse, it means to be anxious for, to be worried over, to be concerned about (biblehub.com). And…as that popular Christian song says, “grace was made…for people like me.” :) God delights in His people. Just focus on eating healthy, maybe try a vegetarian diet and healthy smoothies, and slowly start exercising regularly. Remember to not worship the creation (your body), but worship God. Put your focus on Him. He will teach you He loves you. The first moment a lie pops in your mind, immediately** read psalm 139, and Matthew 13:44-46- we are God’s treasure and He is willing to die for just one of us.

  • A Worn Girl July 2, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Thank you, Kelly! Well said. I loved these two lines, “You didn’t tell me that these present burdens are actually mercies from God. You didn’t tell me when it feels like God is killing me He is actually saving me!!”

  • Chelsea July 2, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    I very much appreciate these words of truth…thank you. “There is light, whether I see it, feel it, or sense it. ” I fight to tell myself this often–so glad for all the Scripture references I can go to!

  • rachel July 13, 2014 at 9:16 am

    This spoke to me so much. Just graduated from high school and i’ve been working two jobs while taking a college class. The future wasn’t looking good for me and I have been feeling hopeless and alone. I have played victim for months now being a slave to my exhaustion and stress and blaming God for the situation that I’m in having to work to support the family because my mom can not work. It’s hard and it’s exhausting and stressful but at least I know that there’s hope to pull me through this dark tunnel of seeming despair.