Faith, Fear, God, Identity, Redemption, Sex, Spiritual Life, Suffering

And Then The Fog Lifted

June 10, 2014

 

It’s as if for the last year or better my life has been like driving in a fog. It was as though I could see where I was heading, but the world around me felt dismal and cloudy. Sure there were bright spots, lots of bright spots in facts. Moments where the sun broke through and the world seemed well again. But the fog always stayed.

A year ago I went into therapy. Theory after theory of what was causing this heavy pressing on spirit was tossed about, but no answers came. At one point, I just said it’s the season of life I’m in and it will get better. For a while, it did. I left therapy and I thought the fog as well. But that fog….it kept pushing.

I could count on my hand the many “Ah-ha!” moments I’ve had in my life. You know, the ones where everything suddenly clicked into place and all made sense in the world? Five months ago I got my ah-ha.

Weeks before it happened I could feel the fog pressing down stronger than ever. It was almost so thick, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The night before, I was listening to a sermon online by Tim Keller. He was speaking about the rich young ruler who God told to sell all his possessions and follow Him. As we know, the man couldn’t do it, and left grieving. What Tim said next cut deep to my core.

He said that in the book of Luke he writes, “Jesus looked at him and loved him and..” Tim’s point was that God looked into the heart of the ruler, saw a cancer living in his soul that kept him from Christ, and out of his love for the man, he wanted to call him to freedom from it. Amazing, right?!?

The next night I was sitting with Jeff in our room when the fog began to consume me and I was left in panic. I asked him to give me a moment alone, and began to pray. I begged God for answers/deliverance/healing..anything I could name. And gently, like the fog lifting at the dawn of a new morning, I had my answer. The answer I’d been seeking for over a year. The answer as to what was making my spirit feel so incredibly heavy.

lifting the fog1

I, Heather, had been sexually abused by a boyfriend in college. 

I wish I could go into the depths of all that transpired leading up to that moment and all that took place immediately in the moments after, but I will save that for another post. What I can say is this: God had seen this cancer in me for years. A cancer that I somehow never saw. And because He loved me, He had, for the past year, slowly been drawing that cancer to the surface so that I could be healed from it and become closer to Him.

I’ve been back in therapy for a while. Painful, beautiful, agonizing and glorious therapy. One thing my counselor said to me in my first session was that this abuse would one day not be the thing I fear, but a foundation on which I stand. Today ladies, is that day.

So few women/people ever speak on the journey of healing from abuse. The ones that do only find the ability to do so after years removed from the pain of the process. I can understand why. But what if someone invited others to walk with them AS they journeyed along this path? Could there be power in that for others? Could you, dear girl, maybe find the courage to face the cancer living inside your own soul? Could you, along with me begin to realize that the journey is not something to fear but rather a foundation to build upon?

I want you to come along with me as I hold hands with my abuse and learn how what the enemy intended for evil, God intends for good. His good, and my own. I can’t promise you my journey will be easy or pain free. But I can tell you it will be honest, and hopefully, it will show you that you are not alone and that our God…wow…that He is so very very good.

To continue following my story, please head to our sister page A Girl In Progress .There I will be posting regularly the road I am traveling, and hopefully, one you’ll walk alongside me in.

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  • Mon Ange June 10, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Bravo! Brave woman you’re!

  • heartinhim June 10, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Heather,
    Thank you SO much for posting this. It is exactly what I neede to hear. Like you, I have spiritual and emotional cancer- the same type in fact. While it has been revealed to me now that this is something I must face, there is a whole new type of storm that I have begun battling now as a result of that. I just wanted to say that I think you are so brave; all of those who share here are brave. And this blog- this community- has been such a blessing to me. I can’t even tell you how much it has helped me. Thank you to you, and the other girls who share here. I will be praying for you as we heal together.

  • Sarah Freswick June 10, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Wow Heather, thank you for being so honest and sharing this. I am sorry this happened, but I am glad that the fog has lifted from you, and that you are using this experience to help others.

  • A Worn Girl June 10, 2014 at 11:46 am

    I am speechless. Whoa; how open you are! Thank you’s don’t seem to amount to anything. Let us all know redemption wins! I am excited you are digging deeper and finding the real, raw healing. Keep it up! Instead of Brave Heart I’m nicknaming you Brave Heather! Lol
    -A Worn Girl

  • J2Mom June 10, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Faith through the pain is a powerful journey and the way you are sharing it with others is truly inspiring. It is the spreading of love unashamed and a reminder for us all to open our hurt, trusting that God will transform. Thank you and God Bless!

  • Stephanie June 10, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Heather,

    This post is bravery and courage and a whole lot of God’s incredible ability to make something beautiful from ashes. Your willingness to share your journey will touch hearts. How do I know this? Because it has already touched mine.

    About a year ago the Lord led me into my own journey of healing from my past sexual abuse…kicking and screaming, mind you. The process has been painful and raw, but I can tell you that it has been worth it. I have been very much wanting to share my own experience, to let others know that they are not alone, but have felt that because I am not “healed”, because I am still going through the ups and downs of processing my painful past, that it just hasn’t been the time. For those going through the healing process, it is always nice to know that there are others out there who feel the same way that you do. Because in those dark hours sometimes you just can’t help but wonder if you are all alone.

    I will pray for you, sister. You are not alone in this journey. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in mine.

    Blessings,
    Stephanie

  • Mary June 10, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    This is were the HEALING BEGINS!!! Wow, Love your honesty it really takes God’s grace and mercy to reach into our dark areas in life but theirs such a healing when we no longer let the enemy hold us down an throw it in our face. Thank you so much for sharing you have opened a door for so many girls to reach out and SPEAK OUT! Praying for you!

  • A girl learning to walk before she can run June 10, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    I, like you and so many others who have read this, have also went through sexual abuse. Lately, I have been running like crazy from the healing that I knew God wanted me to go through which, unfortunately, meant that I was running from Him as well. I finally realized I just need to suck it up and go through with it. Your post here has helped me even further. Thank you….you have no idea just how much you help….

  • Stacey June 11, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Heather, my Mom (Susie Fouche’ Day) sent me your way. This story hit home on so many levels. I’ve lived in this fog myself. It’s not easy and God has definitely used it to teach me over the years. I lived lots of years in fear… fear or telling my story, fear of what was pushed on me, fear or how others would react. There are days when that still creeps in and I shut down but I’m pushing on. I would love to find a way to share my story and help others who are going through similar situations. I think you’re doing amazing things here!!

  • Kelly June 20, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    I am still living in the fog, not knowing what my cancer actually is. I’m pretty sure I was abused as a small child but I’m not sure by whom. I have suspicions but no evidence. I feel like I need the truth so that I can truly heal from it. I pray to God to reveal to me the info that I need. I have a bitterness toward men, except for my sons, but I know there is a reason behind it & I want so much to get over it. Please pray for that that I some day find peace & enlightenment with this. I sooo much need peace right now! Thank you for your openness. Bless you all!

  • Jackie June 20, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Heather, I wish I could lean in through my computer monitor and give you a big hug. You are NOT alone. You are NOT to blame. I too have walked through the “heavy fog”, and I will be walking with you in your journey! Thank you so much for your beautiful words and your wonderful courage!