February 26, 2013 by A Girl Like Me
As we end this month of love, I find myself floating in the in-between of hope and despair. Belief and doubt. Trust and fear. Love and bitterness. Do you know this place? A place where you hope in Him one minute and find yourself fearing the worst the next? We all know the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians. The Love Chapter sort of speak. However, it was the word HOPE that led me here to these words. Something that I cling to these days and is slowly bringing me to a place of fully understanding love. And also bringing me to a place that doesn’t exist in the in-between any longer.
May I treat you as my diary for just a few moments?
I find myself pregnant. Overjoyed, ecstatic, elated, beyond grateful. About 6 weeks in I started showing signs of a miscarriage again. I was confused and frustrated. I told those close to me that I knew God loved me, I knew He had awesome plans for my life, I knew He was in control, but of course, I didn’t feel any of those things. I most definitely didn’t feel like He loved me, I felt like He didn’t care at all… somehow He was busy that day I cried out for another child and He didn’t hear my voice. I felt teased. I was a mess. I no longer knew how to pray to Him, no longer knew how to trust Him. He was far away and in those moments the only thing I wanted was Him to just do something. Just show me God that you freaking care about me!!!! Just show me that you hear my prayers and that you have not removed your hand from me!! Anything!! I just need something. You ever feel like that?
About a week later I had the chance to get away from my home. To just go and be alone and read. Reluctantly I opened my Bible. I didn’t want to. I was mad at God. But I knew I needed to draw near to Him with the little amount of hope I still held on to. I opened to Isaiah 30 and this is what God so lovingly said to me when I was most alone- “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him….. You shall weep no more!! He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, YET your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher!” Do you find yourself doubting HIs love? Do you wonder if He even cares or even hears your cries?? I know that deep down there lives a hope within you that will not let you completely fall. Take that little hope you find and believe this! He hears you! He will draw near to you as you draw near to Him and He will no longer hide himself from you.
Just as I finished reading this passage… a man from behind me whose face I could not see laid a napkin on my table and left. I opened up the napkin to find the words…” Your Father is so very proud of you.” I began to cry. And then the barista gave me a free cookie because I was crying. Ha The Lord showed up. He gave me something… something that ignited my flame of hope and brought me to peace. I continued reading from where I left off in Isaiah- ” And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying- This is the way, walk in it!”
I had an ultrasound a few days ago and found that my baby has a heartbeat. A strong fighting heartbeat. However, there is blood where there shouldn’t be blood and the Drs seemed to not be so hopeful. So I wait not knowing if my baby will live or pass away. And this is where the place of in-between charges in and I find myself fighting for hope. It’s hard to hope sometimes right? For fear that if we hope we will be hurt. We would rather just grieve and expect the worst to prepare our hearts rather than hope in something that isn’t certain. But What is our hope in? Is my hope resting on the fact that my baby will be ok and everything will work out? Or is my hope resting on God? The only thing that is constant and certain!
” Love bears all things, BELIEVES all things, HOPES all things, endures all things. Love never ends. …..For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I HAVE BEEN FULLY KNOWN! So now faith, hope, and love abide- but the greatest of these is love.”- 1 Corinthians 13: 7- 13
Believing, hoping and enduring is all apart of love. We don’t know what the future holds for us. We see dimly, we see bits and parts. Bits that are cracked and stained with doubt and hopelessness… but if we Hope through the times we feel cheated and if we Believe in God’s goodness through the times we feel burned, and if we endure and embrace the scars we will learn love. We will be filled with Love. And one day we will know beyond the bits and pieces just as God knows us beyond our brokenness.
“There is no fear in Love, but perfect love casts out fear.”- 1 John 4:18
Do you find yourself hoping or fearing? Do you find yourself hoping in circumstances or hoping in God? Do you find yourself believing or doubting? Do you find yourself enduring or giving up? Or do you find yourself in that nasty place of in-between? Let us love, and we will not be disappointed.
” We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces HOPE, and HOPE does NOT put us to shame, because God’s LOVE has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”- Romans 5:3-5
As I wait, I choose to Believe, I choose to endure, and I choose to Hope all things in my God so that I may love. And no matter what the outcome of our circumstances may be we will still be holding on to the one thing that never ends… love. Don’t give up hoping in God. He will show up, He will speak, He will always Love.