From Hope to Love

29

February 26, 2013 by agirlikemee

As we end this month of love,  I find myself floating in the in-between of hope and despair.  Belief and doubt.  Trust and fear.  Love and bitterness.  Do you know this place?  A place where you hope in Him one minute and find yourself fearing the worst the next?  We all know the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians.  The Love Chapter sort of speak.  However, it was the word HOPE that led me here to these words.  Something that I cling to these days and is slowly bringing me to a place of fully understanding love.  And also bringing me to a place that doesn’t exist in the in-between any longer.

May I treat you as my diary for just a few moments?

Dear Diary-

I find myself pregnant.  Overjoyed, ecstatic, elated, beyond grateful.  About 6 weeks in I started showing signs of a miscarriage again.  I was confused and frustrated.  I told those close to me that I knew God loved me, I knew He had awesome plans for my life, I knew He was in control, but of course, I didn’t feel any of those things.  I most definitely didn’t feel like He loved me, I felt like He didn’t care at all… somehow He was busy that day I cried out for another child and He didn’t hear my voice.  I felt teased.  I was a mess.  I no longer knew how to pray to Him, no longer knew how to trust Him.  He was far away and in those moments the only thing I wanted was Him to just do something.  Just show me God that you freaking care about me!!!!  Just show me that you hear my prayers and that you have not removed your hand from me!!  Anything!! I just need something.  You ever feel like that?

About a week later I had the chance to get away from my home.  To just go and be alone and read.  Reluctantly I opened my Bible.  I didn’t want to.  I was mad at God.  But I knew I needed to draw near to Him with the little amount of hope I still held on to.  I opened to Isaiah 30 and this is what God so lovingly said to me when I was most alone- “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts himself to show mercy to you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him…..  You shall weep no more!!  He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.  As soon as He hears it, He answers you.  And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, YET your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher!”  Do you find yourself doubting HIs love?  Do you wonder if He even cares or even hears your cries??  I know that deep down there lives a hope within you that will not let you completely fall.  Take that little hope you find and believe this!  He hears you!  He will draw near to you as you draw near to Him and He will no longer hide himself from you.

Just as I finished reading this passage… a man from behind me whose face I could not see laid a napkin on my  table and left.  I opened up the napkin to find the words…” Your Father is so very proud of you.”  I began to cry.  And then the barista gave me a free cookie because I was crying.  Ha The Lord showed up.  He gave me something… something that ignited my flame of hope and brought me to peace.  I continued reading from where I left off in Isaiah- ” And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying- This is the way, walk in it!”

I had an ultrasound a few days ago and found that my baby has a heartbeat.  A strong fighting heartbeat.  However, there is blood where there shouldn’t be blood and the Drs seemed to not be so hopeful.  So I wait not knowing if my baby will live or pass away.  And this is where the place of in-between charges in and I find myself fighting for hope.  It’s hard to hope sometimes right?  For fear that if we hope we will be hurt.  We would rather just grieve and expect the worst to prepare our hearts rather than hope in something that isn’t certain.  But What is our hope in?  Is my hope resting on the fact that my baby will be ok and everything will work out?  Or is my hope resting on God?  The only thing that is constant and certain!

” Love bears all things, BELIEVES all things, HOPES all things, endures all things.  Love never ends. …..For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I HAVE BEEN FULLY KNOWN!  So now faith, hope, and love abide- but the greatest of these is love.”- 1 Corinthians 13: 7- 13

Believing, hoping and enduring is all apart of love.  We don’t know what the future holds for us.  We see dimly, we see bits and parts.  Bits that are cracked and stained with doubt and hopelessness… but if we Hope through the times we feel cheated and if we Believe in God’s goodness through the times we feel burned, and if we endure and embrace the scars we will learn love.  We will be filled with Love.  And one day we will know beyond the bits and pieces just as God knows us beyond our brokenness.

“There is no fear in Love, but perfect love casts out fear.”- 1 John 4:18

Do you find yourself hoping or fearing?  Do you find yourself hoping in circumstances or hoping in God?  Do you find yourself believing or doubting?  Do you find yourself enduring or giving up?  Or do you find yourself in that nasty place of in-between?  Let us love, and we will not be disappointed.

” We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces HOPE, and HOPE does NOT put us to shame, because God’s LOVE has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”- Romans 5:3-5

As I wait, I choose to Believe, I choose to endure, and I choose to Hope all things in my God so that I may love.  And no matter what the outcome of our circumstances may be we will still be holding on to the one thing that never ends… love.  Don’t give up hoping in God.  He will show up, He will speak, He will always Love.

29 thoughts on “From Hope to Love

  1. Emma says:

    God used you to speak this to me . It exactly what I needed to hear today ….. I m praying for you girl.

  2. tessarenee4 says:

    I just read this passage last night! Such a God-thing :)

  3. Abby says:

    This was such an encouragement! It was a great story to hear. Thanks for taking the time to write on this blog:) I really appreciate it.

  4. kojo says:

    i bless God for your,sometimes i believe we need to make that move out of our busy schedules to that quiet place where we can also hear God speak to us because more often than not we pray and wait on God and we think He never hears us. He hears us when we pray so we keep hoping in endurance and in that our faith is made perfect. Bless U Girl!

  5. Sarah Moore says:

    “Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” -Max Lucado
    “God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows.” -Tim Keller

    God is good, all the time! Even when circumstances suggest otherwise, He is putting together something beautiful. =) Sometimes I have been tempted to lose hope, but i know i can only see through a mirror dimly. One of my greatest comforts comes from that verse, that I will understand someday, and I am fully known by the one who created me with a beautiful purpose in mind. His perfect love can cast out my many fears, because i know that because He loves me, He will always do what is best <3

    Thank you Heather! I needed that today! Keep growing in faith, hope, and love =) You are so blessed, and you are so loved, and your Father is certainly proud of the amazing woman He has created to bless so many people.

  6. Tee says:

    Thanks so much for sharing and being vulnerable….not only was that very brave of you, but also a testimony: to run the good race, to press on, that thou we walk THROUGH the valley, God never leaves us there, and reminds us every day that even this is working together for your good. Thank you.

  7. First off I’d like to say that I’m praying for you, Jeff, and Simon. Thank you so much for this post, it came just in time. Though my situation in no way compares to yours, I am in a very hard place in my life at the moment. I was in a car accident on Friday where I was driving and had my friend in the passenger seat. We are both physically fine, just a little sore and emotionally shaken up. My car was totaled and the other car was barely damaged, and still very much driveable, however, it will most likely come through as my fault because I was turning left. I now have no car to get to class, work, church, and wherever else; my mother and I are sharing a truck at the moment. At the moment it seems that there is no way that we will be able to get another car, because my parents are in an awful financial state, and I only make $100 a week since I have class every Monday-Thursday and the daycare I work at isn’t open on the weekends. These past few days I’ve been doubting God, saying I have faith and I’m trusting in Him, but finding that it’s incredibly hard to actually do so. As I was reading this post, while waiting for my next class to start, I tried my absolute hardest to hold back the tears. I felt like God was speaking to ME through this and He was showing me that I’m not alone, He loves me, and that He will do what He sees as best- I just have to have faith.

  8. Jane R says:

    Once again, God has used you to speak to me. I can’t tell you how much i needed this. Thank you for taking the time to remind me to never lose hope. I am exactly how you mentioned. I’m scared to hope because i think it will hurt more if it doesn’t turn out the way I want. You have made me realize that the only way that will happen is if I am putting my hope in the wrong place. I need to focus my hope toward God and know that, no matter how the situation turns out, He will be with me. Once again, thank you Kelly. I will keep you in my prayers.

  9. Rachael says:

    “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ” Romans 8:28
    Just a little encouragement :)

  10. Isabel says:

    Thank you!

  11. Marlies says:

    Thank you so much for sharing!
    Isaiah 30: 18 really spoke to me, ’cause I have the feeling God’s saying to me to wait, but I don’t know why. This really brings hope, and gives me something to hold on!

  12. Claire says:

    As an 18 year old girl, I look up you so much as a strong woman of God. I pray that someday I can reflect the love you have for the Lord in my life and ooze Him daily in my writing and daily encounters with people. I enjoy reading your blogs and I am blessed to have learned and been touched by each one in some way. Your words from the Lord are a blessing and have made me think, cry, and laugh from pure joy. Thank you for being a blessing sister in Christ. I will be praying for you sister.

  13. Julie says:

    Came across this article this morning before my exam, and it just blew my mind that I was relaxing so much at that time (before and taking the exam). All what you said is what I’ve been feeling and doubting these past few days – feeling God doesn’t care about me, angry at Him, and doesn’t know how to pray anymore. I thought these thoughts are wrong, felt guilty of feeling it. But I was surprised that someone felt this way too. Thank you so much for this post. Gave me strength and more hope, and I will hold on to that!

  14. Stacy (Lang) Holmes says:

    Kelly, I so desperately needed to hear this. Thank you. I’m not sure if you remember me from NorthRidge, but you were in my Wednesday night group when you were a sophomore. Just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of who you have become! I love this blog. I love the honesty and realness. I love the heart you have for others. I think you and Heather are such talented writers, you speak straight to the heart. Keep up the awesome writing!

  15. jesssing4him says:

    Kel, your blog post is that napkin for me. Thank you so much for sharing the depths of your heart. I know it’s not easy but more than you know God has used you and is continuing to use you in ways that you can’t image. Thank you for being you & making me feel and see and be reassured that God is working in each of our lives, whether we understand it or not… He is my constant. That is my foundation. I appreciate you so much Kelly & love ya!!!!!!!!! – Jess Wayner xox

  16. Rebekah Z says:

    Right now I seem to be in a place with neither hope nor fear. It’s like this empty room. No doors, just a window looking out onto the world. But the window doesn’t open or even break. And only fleeting snipits of sound reach me for a minute or an hour at a time.
    And yet. I don’t feel depressed. but I also don’t feel excited. It’s like I just exist, and it ends there.

    Thank you so much for Sharing!!

  17. Sarah says:

    Oh Kelly, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Praying for you and your tiny baby. While I have not experenced the loss of a child, my husband and I have been dealing with infertility for almost 4 years. Two weeks ago the last of our close, childless friends announced their pregnancy over dinner, and it took everything in me not to lose it in front of them. They gushed about how they had only tried for one month, and how excited their family is. We talked baby names, and nursery themes and I did my very best to pretend to be happy. I wasn’t. I was angry at them for getting pregnant so easily, and more angry with God than I have ever felt. I drove home in tears. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a good wife and mom. Doesn’t He know that?

    That night I went on Facebook and the first thing I saw was a friend that posted Isaiah 43:19

    Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

    Then I cried some more. I don’t know what I was mourning more. My inability to get pregnant, or my lack of faith in a God who has saved me in so many ways. I’m still really having a hard time, but I’m trying to cling to His promises through it. I’ll remember you in my prayers this week. Just know He WILL make a way. He will. He will. Maybe not in the way we expect, but He will.

  18. Sarah says:

    Praying for you! Thank you for sharing!

  19. Oh dear, I didn’t know you were pregnant, Kel! but this morning I read this and it cheered me up, I hope it brings you hope too!

    16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,
    17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,
    18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
    19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
    20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
    21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

    Ephesians 3:16-21
    And you’re on my prayers Kel! Count on it! May God strengh you!

  20. Bubelaiken says:

    Okay, i can actually related to that a lot!!!
    I was in abusive home life and i was seriously angry at God. Never understood why God would send me into a world of pain, and bruises. Why would he let those happended. Because of that, it had affected me so much. I was full of anger toward God and did a lot of stupid stuff because i thought i was worthless, alone in this, and that nobody cares. in 2011, i accepted God. I never thought in my life that i would accepted God despite my past. One thing i learn during my journey with God is this.

    God love me despite all my broken up wounds
    and there is beauty in my messed up past.

    i almost completed my 2 yrs free of self-harm. I never been so happy in my life now.:)

  21. Audrey says:

    Thank you so much for this!! Yes, I’ve been finding myself in the in-between so much lately, and it is miserable!!
    This precisely what I needed to hear just now.

  22. Jennifer says:

    Thank you for this post, I am definitely in that in-between stage right now where I am really struggling to trust God. Thank you so much for helping me keep my hope strong. I am praying for you and your baby!

  23. Cari says:

    Thanks for posting this :) really needed it and i will be praying for yall :)

  24. Sarah says:

    I’m thinking of you and praying for you. Last Wednesday I went to a Tenth Ave North concert, and you and Kelly and your ministry kept coming to mind even though I hadn’t read this post yet. I wish you didn’t have to walk through this difficulty. Will keep praying for you! Thank you both for your help and ministry through your blog.

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