November 8, 2012 by A Girl Like Me
Tour. Unbelievable. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since I have written anything. My brain seems a bit fried from lack of writing, changing poopy diapers in small spaces, showering in so many public showers and eating more mexican food than anyone should ever be allowed to eat. To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. I am ready to get home. I am ready to be clean and to only pretend I’m a hippie rather than actually be one. ;) I feel a little left out from the world. So on this specific night I went to gain some relief from the Bible. However, you know those times when you go to open it and you realize that you haven’t actually seen its pages in a while? You feel disconnected from the words? You feel really far from God? This is me. As I flipped through the pages I came to only find myself lost. Where do I even go? What should I read? What’s going to bring hope to the voids that have sneaked in while I’ve been busy with life? And slowly the fears have come back, the worries have chained themselves to my feet again, and I am honestly just plain irritable. How do you get back to the relationship with an old friend that you haven’t spent life with in a while? How do you move past the feelings of forcefulness and surface crap to the feelings of connection and deep realness when you’ve been apart for so long? I don’t know.
So I decided that tonight I would step out of the four walls of this bus and go listen to some of the Tenth Ave concert. I didn’t want to feel forced into reading the Bible. I wanted to long for it… and in this moment I needed worship. As I embraced the moment of freedom, I stood there watching the man I love sing the song “The Struggle” and something caught my eye. As I looked over I see this boy standing there with his arms raised, one arm slightly bent, one leg slightly shorter and a smile that you couldn’t help but notice when the stage lights slid across his face. He had a disability, but in that moment he sure didn’t care. As soon as the song begins he’s already singing the words. And you can tell he’s not just singing them because he knows them, he’s singing them because he believes in what they say. He believes that in this world where he walks crooked, talks too loud, and is looked at with strange looks- his chains have been dropped. He has been set free and He is going to sing. He is going to sing at the top of his lungs because he believes in His God, his best friend and closest companion. A lot of the people around him have slowly stepped farther and farther away. Probably because he was looked at as a distraction. But when I saw him, I saw someone who I wanted to be and I began to cry. I stood there and I saw someone who had every reason to be upset, every reason to walk around confused and anxious and distant from God, and yet he was there praising in the presence of God! There I was knowing that I have not a thing to complain about, not a thing to be scared of and yet I still cling to certain nasty chains. Still bound by fearful thoughts that crowd out my peace and places wedges between me and my maker. I then see this boy begin to look around for others to join him in his ecstasy.. . he even caught my eye a couple of times. I wanted to go dance with him, to not care about what everyone else was thinking, to let go of these chains that have been clanking together over the last month. I wanted to be that close with God again and sing with a heart that believes. I wanted to be a child again like he has had the courage to do. But instead I walked away heavy with cheeks stained with tears, and the conviction to draw closer to my God.
Lord, where do I begin? How do you change an apathetic heart who has been living with chains that weigh her down? How do I come to a place of praising with my WHOLE heart even in the midst of my disabilities? I miss you. I need you. I am absolutely nothing without you. Free me and give me the courage to sing at the top of my lungs and the courage to dance until my legs give way.
So, How do you bring back the feelings of connectedness to our God who loves us and has the power to free us? You ask Him. Ask Him to bring about the closeness once again. Selah= sit and listen… rid your mind of all that invades. And then open up that dusty Bible of yours and begin to read the words that God has ready to speak to you. I fall so easily into the world of apathy, I am one who goes through seasons of amazing times with God and then seasons of getting by without Him. In those times of getting by I find myself chained up to fears and sins. Do you relate? So right now, I am going to open up my Bible, even though I feel forced, even though I feel disconnected, I will act upon what my heart desires. And I will trust that through my actions the beautiful feelings of closeness to my Father will once again resurface and replace the chains. I encourage you to do the same.