October 10, 2012 by A Girl Like Me
So there were quite a few girls who initially asked about how a guy deals with a girl who “has a past,” and how could God give a girl with a past a godly man. So my loving wife handed me this most daunting blog topic and asked me to speak into this. So here is my attempt to communicate the great and profound mystery of …well, grace.I can’t really tell you what to do, or how to do it, but I can tell you (as a male), my perspecitve and my story. When Heather and I were dating we went for a while in that oh so familiar phase of “unconditional ignorance.” This phase is sort of like your relationship with a boss or teacher. They hold an importance and somewhat life-directing influence in your life but if you could break into their homes you would find a stash of Golden Girls reruns, Twinky wrappers, and a pile of laundry next to the sink of dirty dishes. Really quite embarassing and almost disqualifying. So, this unconditional ignorance pretty much drives most of our relationships. How well do we *really* know someone? Do we even really want to know? If we really knew, that would completely change how we view the other person.Scary.Heather and I were two puppies in love, talking about marriage, carrying about but then we had……the talk.“The talk” is the most brutal of situations. All preconceived notions of someone are quickly dismantled. Emotions are intensely insecure, and any mask that you previously wore is now smashed on the ground. You’ve basically passed gas in the middle of small group prayer and hope that no one looks at you. You’re left standing there, bare, and fully known.Heather told me of a few things in her past, and I did the same about myself. It was hard. It hurt so bad. I don’t remember too many details about the moment, but I remember an intense feeling of guilt toward her. I kept telling her I was sorry about what I had done because at the time -I didn’t know who she was. We wouldn’t be having this painful moment if I had known who she was…and who she would be- My wife.Some of you know what this feeling is like. Some of you live a life that will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening. I want you girls to know this: We ALL have something. We all have MANY somethings. This fear of coming clean is driven by a lie of loneliness. That what we have in hiding is too hideous to bring into day light. That what lies beneath is ugly and should be hidden at all costs. And what we deal with is an isolated event that no one else can relate to.The truth is, God allows for redemption just as much (even more) as He allows the bad things. The moment Heather and I shared brought us closer than we had been before. And what is more beautiful is that that moment opened the door to healing. There are still moments where that old crap finds it’s way to the surface in our relationship. Memories come back, old wounds reopened, insecurities reminding us that they’re still trying to dominate us. But now there’s two of us to fight them. We’re not alone anymore. This fact brings more joy to my heart than any other relationship I have. My love for Heather outweighs the dreams of a thousand men because she is my own and I know her for her. Marriages come and go because star-crossed lovers lean on cheer. But eventually storms come.Love is a choice. I must choose everyday to love Heather. She must choose the same. If we did not choose, our deceitful heart would choose the path of least resistance every time. It would choose darkness over light. Happy feelings over a greater calling. May we lean on the Holy Spirit and what the word tells us every day!Some of you are afraid that God won’t give you a godly man because you’re too ruined to be adored by anyone. The truth is we all deserve nothing. The fact is you don’t deserve a godly man. But, He will give you himself. Is that what you desire most? Isn’t that what makes you white as snow? God has a funny way of putting things in our path that are exactly what we need. Once we realize that we have been made new in Christ, our path just might cross someone else’s who we need to have “the talk” to share with.That day we both felt like we were sealing the deal on the final moments of our relationship. We both felt like the last thing we’d see would be the back of the person we loved walking out the door. But at the same time, we both felt like we had to come clean. We MUST come clean.And you know what? Redemption will win.