Cool Your Jets and Embrace Your Role

93

October 3, 2012 by A Girl Like Me

Boundaries in dating?
That’s really difficult to say.
Search the Bible.
It’s completely devoid of dating advice.
Why?
Well, because people didn’t date in Bible times.
They did a little something called “arranged marriages.”
I know, petrifying right?
Yeah, I used to think so too,
until I thought about how many people bring baggage and pain into marriage
because of their past dating relationships.
One thing you can say about arranged marriages,
you don’t usually have to figure out “how far is too far?” in your friendships.
Kind of wish I had gone that route with my wife.
I mean, do you know anyone who says,
“Man, I really wish I had hooked up with more people before I got married.
I feel like I really missed out?”
Of course not.
And you know, if you think about it,
don’t you think that on some level, dating is cultivating a spirit of divorce in our culture?
Think about it.
You get to know each other, get somewhat physical,
and then once you get bored of them or find out something you don’t like,
you jump ship.
Divorce.
Terror.
Insecurity abounds.
How in the world do you expect to grow trust and have intimacy blossom between you and your significant other
when you’re constantly worried that the other person will leave at the drop of a hat?
I’m not saying that you should have an arranged marriage,
but I am saying that covenant precedes intimacy.  Not the other way around.
It seems to me, that a good rule of thumb for boundaries in dating would be,
what will I be comfortable telling my spouse I did with another person before we were married.
After all, if they’re not your spouse, then they’re someone else’s.
And if you’re pretty sure they’re going to be your spouse someday, why not wait till they are?
As a father, I think I’ve adopted a really good policy for my daughters in the future.
I heard this statement in a movie once, and I think it’s a wonderful rule to follow.
The gentlemen that’s about to leave with my daughter, I’ll simply remind him that he can do anything he’d like with my daughter,
but whatever he does to her, I’m going to do to him.
Haha.

You also might find the history of the phrase “dating” interesting.
The term was coined in the late 1800′s, and was used to describe a liaison between a man and a prostitute.
At that time, if a single woman was seen out and about with any male who she wasn’t related to,
it was assumed she was a prostitute.
And if you were a lady at that time, and you wanted a suitor to court you,
he would have had to jump on his horse and come visit you at your house, with all your family hanging on the scene.
But once the automobile was invented, men started picking up the lady they were interested in, and taking her off wherever they pleased.
Interestingly enough,
Since that time, abortion, divorce, STD’s and homosexuality have all risen at an exponential rate.
Whatever you want to say about boundaries, I’ll just say that we are commanded in Ephesians 5,
that since we are God’s beloved children, there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality named among us.
In the greek, sexual immorality is simply defined as “sex with anyone you are not married to.”
So then, because we are loved infinitely, overwhelmingly and undeservingly by Christ,
we ought to have a certain level of patience and self-control about us.
We don’t need to run to the arms of whatever lover fancies us at the moment,
because we have been loved in a way that no person will ever be able to come close to.
Therefore, there ought not be even a hint of promiscuity in us.
Not even a hint.
That means, when you’re asking “how far is too far?”
A better question might be, “Am I sexually aroused?”
According to Ephesians, that’s too far.
Why?
Because you are loved.
Because you’ve experienced Christ’s covenantal love,
and once you’ve had that, it ruins you for the cheap and easy versions of love the world tries to sell to us.

Listen here ladies,
you might think that the more boundaries you create, the less likely it will be that you’ll get a man.
That’s sort of true and sort of false.
Yes.
If you are guarded, and “walled up,” there is a whole group of males who will quickly lose interest.
But I cannot stress this next point enough…
THOSE ARE THE GUYS YOU DON”T WANT ANYWAYS!!!!!!
I mean, don’t you want to be pursued?
Don’t you want to be fought for?
Won over?
I can tell you as a guy,
half the reason I ran hard after my wife was because she was one of the few
ladies that played hard to get.
And deep in the heart of every man, is a desire to fight.
Guys love a fight.
And there are few better fights in this life than the fight to win a woman’s heart.
Problem is,
so many girls are so desperate for love they don’t even give guys the chance to fight for them.
And consequently, they keep ending up with guys
who hook up with them and then quickly move on.
That’s because that man needs a battle, whether he realizes it or not.
And if you don’t make him work for it,
he’s gonna keep searching.

This comes as quite a shock in a time and culture where every magazine in the grocery aisle instructs you otherwise.
“How to Get Your Man.” is usually plastered across some front page in some form or fashion.
“Win Him Over.” “Be in Control.” I’ve read all kinds of stuff while tossing some mac & cheese on the little magic conveyer belt.
I swear though, if I have to see “100 Hot Sex Tips,” in neon pink lettering one more time, I’m gonna hit somebody.
It’s here where everything gets screwed up.
Women are taking the God-given role of the man away from him.
Not that it’s entirely their fault, but you can definitely sense a growing confusion between the sexes these days.
There seems to be such a desire for us to see each other as equal,
that it has caused us to reject any idea of particular roles or inherent responsibilities we might possess.
But of course, confusion ensues.
Who asks out who?
Who makes the first move?
Who calls who?
Who cares?
Well, in Ephesians 5, we’re told that in a marriage relationship, the man represents Christ, and the woman represents the church.
The man alludes to the pursuer.  The instigator.  The fire-starter. The covenant maker.
The woman is the reciprocator.  The receiver.  The responder.
And it’s been my experience, that there’s something really beautiful cultivated when men and women walk in those roles toward one another.
You may disagree with me here, but one thing you have to admit is that every woman wants to be wanted.
Every man wants to win a prize.
So, why not at least give that God-given role a try?
Have you ever tried laying low, and waiting for the guy to come to you?
Could it be that your “go get em” attitude has actually scared away your potential mates, because
he’s been given a desire from God to be the initiator?

Listen.
Believe that you are loved.
Believe that you are a prize.
A treasure.
Believe that you are worth fighting for.
Christ died for you while you were yet a sinner,
and because of that sacrifice, He has bestowed a worth on you, that you could have never
given yourself. Until another man sees you as worth sacrificing for, don’t give him an inch.
To love is to sacrifice.
To truly love is to give all.
And until there is a promise in place, to share all of your life with another,
I would argue, No real exchange of love can commence.

For some further reading on Boundaries Within Marriage,
check out my friend Sammy’s Blog:
http://www.sammyadebiyi.com/

93 thoughts on “Cool Your Jets and Embrace Your Role

  1. Lisa says:

    this is def fantastic—had not idea about the history of the word ‘dating’….WOW! totally agree with the statements about how guys are given that God gift of leadership–when are us girls gonna get that through our heads?? thanks for sharing your thoughts Mike….looking forward to more of these posts from the guys:)

  2. Jeannette says:

    Wow! Great post. My girls and I are having some good discussions due to this blog! THANKS!!!

  3. Michelle says:

    Wow!!! As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize this. My standards and desires are much higher these days then what they once were. I look back in shame at some of the choices I have made regarding relationships and experimenting. Now, I truly want (and will not settle for less) then someone who first, loves God, and secondly will fight for me and truly love me unconditionally. While patiently waiting for God to send that man He has chosen specifically for me, I will continue to hold myself accountable to the standards God has set. Girls, I know it’s trying some days but at 32 I now know it’s not worth selling myself short. Remember, you are special, beautiful, and loved by a man that sacraficed his own life for you! <3

  4. If someone reads this who can tell Mike Donehey, to his face, that he is the second most inspirational person in my life (right behind Jesus), then please do.
    God has blessed me with the wisdom to put those words into practice already, but it doesn’t hurt hearing it multiple times from multiple trustworthy sources.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Love, a grateful college kid.

  5. Haley Shields says:

    This was a really good post, Mike. I have a friend I really need to show this to! I have set boundaries for my dating life (which isn’t here yet) and now I have a couple more I am going to add in there. Thanks!

  6. LOL I knew it was Mike’s response just by reading the title….but seriously, he’s right. I wish I could go back & redo so many things regarding boys….and if I had put up some boundaries I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant at 16! I also wouldn’t have married my now husband, but that’s a different story for a different time..lol I was always a rebel so I don’t think the arranged marriage thing would have worked out so well, and that poor guy would have probably killed himself…I kid, I kid! Maybe :-) Although after watching some documentaries on it, it’s really not that bad of an idea if the parents are choosing a mate based on common interests. It would be really hard to be stuck with someone you’re not attracted to though..because we need that attraction. Although we need that attraction, don’t let it deceive you. Something that is beautiful on the outside could really be a monster on the inside. My best advice would be to not go any further than holding hands when you’re “dating”….and even holding hands sometimes can be too much. You have to know your body, and listen to it’s signals because lust can destroy EVERYTHING. It will make you do things you do not think you would do, and it will blur what your brain is actually telling you. Like Kelly said before, our bodies are made to want to go further…..with our SPOUSE. I’ve made so many mistakes regarding men in my life, I could give you a list of things NOT to do…but I wasn’t so smart in the what TO do area. Don’t go to a bar looking for a man. Don’t fall for the smooth talk. Don’t go for the guy who is over 18, still living with his mom with no job that plays video games all day….Just an example of a few mistakes I made! LOL Temptation is everywhere folks, I am married but still struggle with it. I’m doing better than I ever did, but the devil likes to throw something at me every now & then to make my mind wander. You are better off alone than with someone who will take you to hell with them. If you know Christ you are NEVER alone anyway! Had I known this years ago I could have avoided a lot of heartbreak. Hope this helps someone out there! Thanks to Mike for posting, I tend to relate to a lot of what he has to say.

  7. I think Mike should post a list of things a guy should do & not do for the teenage boys out there! (including my own son)

  8. Ali says:

    Great post!

  9. Lori says:

    Wow. I definitely needed to read that!

    I never really realized how much I am the one that goes after the guy. I mean, I guess in my head, I do….but this post really caused me to take a step back and really see that if a guy starts to chase me for any reason, I am quick to surrender. I’m quick to give up the fight and just go with it. Or even be the one to “make the first move”.

    However, it’s really refreshing and eye-opening to have a man (and Brother in Christ’s) perspective on it, because I probably wouldn’t have listened had a woman told me this. Really, if ANY woman told me this, I probably would have been like, yeah whatever.

    Last night, I actually prayed that God would teach me to give my heart and bury my heart in Him…so that the man would have to go searching, in GOD, to find it. Between praying that, and reading this…I’m convinced that God is moving not only in my heart, but in the hearts of my sisters all over the world.

    Thanks Mike, for taking the time to answer the question honestly and thoughtfully. Your insight is much appreciated, brother!

  10. Marina says:

    Reblogged this on St. Mark's Quiet Time and commented:
    Awesome, awesome post by Mike Donehey on dating and marriage as well as the role of men and women!

  11. Charissa J. says:

    Love this post.
    I have now come to the realization that I am God’s child and I am worth something only after being used, abused and discarded time and time again. Hating myself and believing I was worth nothing all my life, it was easy to search for love and try to find it from people who felt the same way about me as I felt about myself. The thing I didn’t understand was there is no one on earth who can give me what I was missing. Now divorced and a single parent, I wish I had done things the right way. But with God in my life now, I am working on forgiving myself and thankful that I am a different person now and can start seeing myself through God’s eyes.
    Also, thankful for the song “You are more”. That was me, but that song helps to remember that I am a new creation in Christ and I don’t have to be that anymore.

  12. Kenzie says:

    I’ve been to so many purity camps and ‘Princess’ classes to tell that this is the biggest thing they stress besides saving sex for marraige; Pursuance.
    If you give everything that a guy asks for to him and leave him nothing to wonder about, how quickly will he lose interest in you? When you’re watching a movie, how likely are you to finish it when you already know what happens in the first ten minutes? I don’t know about you, but I shut it off and find something else that has some mystery to it. The same applies to our relationship with guys. I cannot agree MORE with your statement of the fact that those ARE NOT the guys you want to attract! My friends come to me and worry about what the guy thinks of them, what if he doesn’t like the way they act, dress, talk, they aren’t funny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. All I say back is, “Do you really want a guy that shallow as to not pursue you over that?” I can tell you I don’t want a guy that wouldn’t want to pursue me because I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, or didn’t like what I wore. I want a guy that wants me for me! :)
    But back to the mystery part. If you don’t let a guy have everything, if you don’t give away your emotional purity, if you choose to cover up and be modest, how much more likely is that guy to spend his time wondering about you? Wondering what your personality is like, why you responded the way you did, why you don’t wear immodest clothes. He keeps his interest because he wants to find out why you are that way. So girls, let’s keep up the mystery! Be so lost in God that that young man needs to bury deep in His Word to understand you better. And when you act this way, even in your marriage he still has mysteries to discover about you because as you grow deeper in the mysteries of God, it creates more deepeness and mystery in you for him to seek. It’s just such a beautiful thing God calls us to, and I’m happy to say I do it and though guys are lining up outside my door, I don’t want the ones that would if I acted a different way.I am joyful in God’s will and plan for my Love Story, and I want Him to write it, not me. :)

  13. crazysarah says:

    Wow! This is good and true and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this!

  14. Kari says:

    Wow Mike this is awesome Thanks :) you are so inspirational love ur words :) and ur funny I like the funny part about what a guy does with ur daughter he is going to do it to u also :) thanks for your words :)

  15. Can I just say that this was beautiful and so breathed by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for sharing from a man’s heart the need for us as women to be pursued…it IS so lost in today’s world and SO needed! “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing.” We are to be won over, and it’s so refreshing to hear the words of a husband and a father encourage women to stay strong and hold standards high beyond what this world wants to throw at them! Thank you Mike…this was something my eyes needed to read through and has confirmed truths my Father has been sharing. Thanks again.

  16. Sarah says:

    Awesome post Mike! Thank you. The next edition should be how exactly to make a guy fight for you (besides not giving in to the feelings really easily), especially after being together for a long time and he starts pulling away. How to rekindle his fight to feel wanted again. And I agree with Winter. Do a blog for guys, what to do, what’s maturity in a relationship.

  17. This is great, Mike! I’ve already shared this post with some friends. My only question is when will you write your book? :)

  18. Books says:

    This is good stuff. Thank You very much. Another book that you guys should check out is “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” written by Joshua Harris. It’s amazing.

  19. Emily S says:

    Great thoughts. Thanks so much Mike. This is a needed reminder.

  20. Liza Kittle says:

    This is really fantastic….writing about this from a man’s perspective so honestly and biblically is really beautiful. All of you seem to have had some great Christian parents and role models. My so Will is waiting and loves the Lord so much. Thanks for sharing , Mike, to young ladies who look up to you as a person of Truth.

    God bless everyone. We are heading to K.C. Yo see our Julia at Shelterwood for a family retreat.
    In Jesus, Liza Kittle

  21. Nice, man. I haven’t ever been in a real “relationship”, probably because I’m waiting to be chased. But I think I’ve found that guy who’s willing to fight and prove his love and Godliness. Loved all the little quirks in here too!!
    Unicorns, love, and Jesus hugs to everyone who writes for this blog!!

  22. I think we all agree that Mike, Kelly, Jeff & Heather should write a book together! ;-)

    • Jessi Charron says:

      Wow! Never heard anything well spoken in my life!!!! Thanks Mike!!!

    • Mike has a bajillion blogs on his Myspace page that are at least 3-4 years old, but they are still SO good. I stumbled upon them one day while Googling his name (lol). There are a lot! I was scrolling for about ten minutes and I didn’t even reach the beginning blog! If you like his writing, I’d check it out. There is one called “Let’s Talk About Sex” and it reminded me of this blog post.

  23. Sarah Moore says:

    I think the question shouldn’t be, how far can i go, how close can i come up to that line, without sinning, i think that’s already the wrong attitude… The question should be, how are you honoring God in what you are doing.

    Thank you so much Mike! :)

  24. Olivia says:

    Awesome post!!! Thanks, Mike! :) I needed to hear that. Especially being a teenage girl, most all of my friends (that are girls) are really confident around guys and don’t mind making it obvious that they like them. I’ve never liked doing that and they never understood why. I didn’t even know why. But after reading this I learned a lot about dating and the roles in dating that is really useful and helpful. It was really great hearing about the roles in dating from a guy’s perspective as well. I can’t wait for the rest of the posts from the other guys! :)

    P.S. You should consider making a blog for young men/teenage boys on this kind of stuff as well. So many boys I know are confused nowadays on wether or not they should pursue the girl or wait for the girl to come to them and there is often confusion which then leads to no one doing anything. But I understand you guys are already pretty busy making amazing music for us folks. :) haha THANK YOU AGAIN!

  25. Jackie says:

    You know, as I’m reading this blog post, I can’t help but feel just a tad bit confused.

    Are you holding up relationships during “Bible Times” as being the standard that we should hold ourselves to?

    • Not in the sense that we should have arranged marriages.
      He made the comparisons to back in Biblical times as a way to show, basically, how over time relationships have become corrupted and how they de-role both genders.

  26. Lisa says:

    Andrew, I think you make some great points in your reply btw

  27. Susan says:

    Thanks for this post! I had a singleness stinks night last night and it was great to be reminded to wait to be pursued. I think one thing that’s so hard is when you are friends with a guy but are also interested in them so how do you be their friend while hoping to be pursued by them?

    I also agree that TAN and family should write a book. I would buy it!

  28. Kristen says:

    “you might think that the more boundaries you create, the less likely it will be that you’ll get a man.
    That’s sort of true and sort of false.
    Yes.
    If you are guarded, and “walled up,” there is a whole group of males who will quickly lose interest.
    But I cannot stress this next point enough…
    THOSE ARE THE GUYS YOU DON”T WANT ANYWAYS!!!!!!”

    I was just having a conversation with a good friend how I feel like I put too many expectations up for guys to meet and I thought to myself, “Maybe I should settle for less than I expect if I ever want to be in a relationship”. But then you post these few lines and I’m suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of calm and reassurance. I am so quick to conform to the kind of girl I think guys want including having the idea of sacrificing my values and “expectations”. And when those guys don’t measure up to them, I am left feeling like there is nobody in the world that really understands or having to decide whether I’m willing to give up my virtues and settle for mediocrity. Thank you Mike for giving me hope that there are guys out there who will treasure me for all that I am without having to give up my values.

    • Connie :) says:

      Kristen ~ That’s exactly how I feel as well! It was so nice to read an article written like this by a man & of course, Mike is such an inspiration to me always! I’m 31 years old, have never had a boyfriend, dated or even kissed anyone! The older you get, the more you do start to feel like… Am I being too picky? Should I just settle for less than what I think is best for me & for what I know I deserve? Are there really any guys out there that will want me, even though I won’t cross boundaries most girls will? I’m always afraid people think I’m a snob or something, but I’m just not willing to settle. I’m really shy also, but, even more afraid of facing these issues…afraid that no guy would want me…that he won’t understand why I take a stand for purity :( ~ This is the part of the article that has stuck with me the most & almost made me cry! I am also reassured!!! :)

  29. Thank you so much Mike for writing this article! Your such an amazing person :) Thank you for being such a positive role model for girls and guys :)

  30. rachel says:

    Its so hard to believe that I am a prize that I have value enough for a man to chase after me one day to desire me. It’s something so hard for me to believe but it’s something as a daughter of God I must realize before I can fully serve Him!

    • Marie says:

      I completely agree – I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely or discouraged about finding someone who will love me for myself, I remind myself that God loves me SO much and knows my hearts desire for a godly husband :)

  31. Annie says:

    Thanks, Mike, you’ve given me some things to think and pray about. Thanks for taking the time to influence singles toward godly standards in relationships.

  32. Julia Gregory says:

    Mike great wisdom! Thank you for sharing that!!! Now that I know this it is alot more informing! I have set a few boundaries for dating but after reading this I am going to set lots of boundaries up! Those walls! I have learned so much by Mike & Video journals & now I’m going to be learning so much from this blog! I’m not being raised in a Christian home, I am so blessed to have people like this in my life! Thank you for sharing! I can not wait till the rest post on this blog & I can not wait to read what the rest of this blog says! Thank you all! So touching!!!!

  33. Christi says:

    um. wow. this was a very timely post. the last few weeks, I’ve really been struggling with being single and just wanting to be in a relationship and experience “life,” but as I read this, I was so encouraged by the reminder that I am a beloved child of God. I’m a first year college student and I live in the dorms where the pressure to date and party is really high, God used this post to remind me that waiting for His timing and a Godly pursuer is where He wants me–not hooking up with people because my peers are. Thank you, Mike, for posting your thoughts on this, God has used it to strengthen my faith and contentment in waiting on His timing and not rushing things.

    Oh, and someone else posted this too, but I knew Mike posted this week the second I read the title :]

    • Marie says:

      Even though I’m a few years older, I went through that phase not too long ago, until I realized that I was becoming borderline obsessive with finding a guy…when God was waiting for me to open my eyes and see how much He loves me.
      I’m becoming more free and content in knowing that God is preparing me as a single woman to be the perfect mate for my future husband :)

  34. Elizabeth says:

    I don’t know… I’m not with you on the last part of this post. First part, totally agree. But gender roles part? Not 100% there. I don’t think that Ephesians 5 is necessarily about gender roles. I think if anything it’s about mutual submission to one another in a relationship. Reading gender roles into it, as many do, could be just that – reading into it. Theologically your point about Christ being the “pursuer” doesn’t even make sense, because the Holy Spirit carries out God’s ministry on Earth (brings his people into relationship with him) and Christ is the sacrifice that makes that possible. But Christ isn’t the one on Earth doing the pursuing. Also, you could easily look at Ruth and say she pursued Boaz… so if we’re going to go pull Scriptures in regards to gender roles we should really be thorough.

    I think, overall, the Bible speaks a whole lot more about how we treat one another in relationships than it does to specific gender roles.

    I’m not saying girls should go all wiley and start pursuing guys like there is no tomorrow. What I am saying is that we need to be careful about how we approach this discussion. We need to be careful that we aren’t telling people things are wrong when the Bible doesn’t necessarily suggest that they are. As someone in ministry – which I’m assuming you must consider yourself to be on some degree – it is important that we’re not just using Scripture to say something that it doesn’t really say – even if what we’re saying isn’t necessarily wrong or even if it worked for us.

    • agirlikemee says:

      Elizabeth,
      really appreciate your thoughts on this.
      I would consider myself someone who is in ministry,
      and the last thing I’d want to do is read my own opinion into Scripture.
      I’ve studied this particular passage quite a bit, and have walked, point for point,
      through both sides of the argument.
      And to be honest,
      I feel like arguing that Ephesians 5 is not about gender roles,
      is just as much asserting your opinion into it as saying it is about gender roles.
      If not more so, since the overwhelming majority of Biblical commentators stand by the side that I have communicated.
      But there are, as I’m sure you know, many on both sides of this debate.
      I’ve read commentaries and heard countless sermons expounding on this particular
      passage, and I’ve found that I side with the majority.
      I agree that this passage is absolutely about mutual submission.
      But if it were only about mutual submission, I think you’d have to stop at verse 21,
      because 22-24 says,
      Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
      Now, I’ve had a lot of debates with my own sister about this,
      and I understand the hesitancy to embrace this.
      Sadly,
      this Scripture has been used by men in the church to lord over their wives
      and treat them horribly.
      They have taken this as a “get out of jail free” card, and have demanded their wives submit to them, without offering any of their own submission to them.
      Nothing could be further from what’s being taught here.
      It goes on to say that husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church.
      This passage is about absolute sacrifice and service to one another.
      But to say this isn’t about gender roles at all, I feel,
      is dismissing these particular commands mentioned here.
      What does Paul mean then, when he says the husband is the head of the wife?
      Why does he mention the church submitting to Christ, and wives submitting to their husbands?
      I understand if you’re reacting to the misogynistic attitude that women have no place and men are to dominate over them.
      That’s absolutely not what I’m saying.
      But what I’d challenge you with is that if sex and marriage were indeed designed by God, is it so hard to believe that there is a way and method with which God would want us to go about it?
      Are you arguing that we do not have certain God-given roles?
      Do you think women should pursue?
      Do you think men should?
      You mentioned Ruth and Boaz.
      I’d have to say, you’re in dangerous ground when you start taking Old Testament stories, and drawing moral pleads from them.
      If that story is going to be part of your argument, would you be comfortable telling the girls in your church that if they like a boy, they should go over to his house in the middle of the night and lay at the foot of his bed?
      I wouldn’t.
      I’d say God redeemed that situation, but would not start drawing my dating advice from it.
      I guess, the biggest question is,
      what are our roles then, if the Bible doesn’t speak to them?
      If we cannot draw conclusions from Genesis and Ephesians and even Song of Solomon, where will we draw them from?
      As a man, I can only say, there is something in me that longs to pursue.
      It longs to fight, woo, and cultivate the heart of a woman.
      It was there, even back in high school, before I was even listening to the Bible.
      If you cannot draw those conclusions from here, where will you draw them from?
      Cheers,
      Mike

      • Brian says:

        In brief, I think if you take the two viewpoints here and mesh them together, you’ve got an accurate portrayal of this passage and this issue.

        Mutual submission is absolutely the theme of this passage. It kicks off at verse 21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

        Are roles in marriage discussed here? Certainly, but they’re discussed in relation to that theme that’s seen in verse 21. That forms the basis for everything that follows in the passage.

        So, in saying that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, consider the fact that Christ has brought us into covenant relationship and partnership with Himself. We’re told in Scripture that we are, in fact, His co-heirs, adopted as full sons into His family, and made, as it were, His brothers and sisters.

        We, then, carry out our role as the body in relation to Christ as the head. The Church is His chosen partnership and vehicle on Earth, and both the Church and Christ Himself submit to and give glory to the Father. The Church serves Christ, as Christ has served the Church.

        It works the same way with marriage. One partner (namely, the husband) is the head, and the other (namely, the wife) is the body, but they work together equally in mutual submission and service to one another for the purpose of glorifying the Father and of mutual edification.

        It’s a shame (as we all seem to be agreeing on) that men have used this to fabricate some sort of unquestioned authority over their wives. The fact is neither a headless body nor a bodyless head can do a bit of good. It takes both, working together in partnership, to get something done.

      • laurenlarkin says:

        I like the post (a lot) and adore that you are passionate about men persuing women and women receiving men. It is high time that we start speaking about dating and courtship in these terms, esp. in our currently near horrific environment of the hook-up culture. But with that said, I have to also add that i am with the above commenter about the last part. My husband and I do not ascribe to the idea that he has authority over me, in his words, “There’s no need for me to have that!” But before I get written off, I would ask you to be patient with me and the research I’ve done on this (having one masters in biblical studies, one in theology and am currently a doctoral candidate in theology).

        First, I want to stress, I think you are on to something very good and very accurate, albeit a bit too confined by ‘roles’.

        Second, the term ‘head’ in Paul’s letters is rather an ambiguous term. Greek culture did in fact use the term to mean authority. But the question we always need to pose to what Paul writes is: is he towing the line or saying something new? There are three ways to speak of the term ‘head’ one is, as is alluded to here in the post, “authority”, the second is “source”, and the third is “synecdoche”. Most scholars opt to rule out “source”, and even I think it’s a paltry way to define the greek word (kephale) translated as ‘head’; there is something more to my relationship with Man than that he’s my source. Now if head means “authority,” then we have to ask if masculinity in general is defined best by having authority over women. When Paul adds in a very small word that you yourself quote, idiois, translated as ‘own’ (that the women submit to their own husbands), he’s doing something radical that is in line with the gospel. The importance of this little word is that it shifts what Paul is saying away from the mainline Greek culture…women are to submit to their OWN husbands not to men in general (which I want to stress you did not say, this is just part of the process); thus, the conclusion is that men, in general, do not have authority over women nor is their masculinity tied up in it. From studying 1 Cor 11:2-16, it seems best and in line with the gospel (and the way Jesus interacts with women) to look at kephale more as a synecdoche, a big fancy word meaning ‘the representative part’. This is where i think it gets really good and maintains the distinction between the genders (equal BUT NOT interchangeable) and might play well into a sort of ‘role’: man, being created first, is the synecdoche by whom woman is known. Her presence in Gen 2 not only points to the fact that Adam is man, but radically highlights it. Her similarity yet otherness is alluring and intriguing to him, she is like him but different. there is no authority by virtue of a created order, only that by one we know the other. Her presence emphasizes that he is man, and in relation to her he knows he is (because he’s not her), and the same is true in the reverse. The presence of woman makes man more man, and the presence of man makes woman more woman.

        (Third) But interestingly the one thing you can’t reverse in the relationship is who brings glory to whom. 1 Cor. 11 is clear on this: the glory is bestowed upon the synecdochal part, the head. I’ve looked and looked and studied and studied, but I can only come to the conclusion that in this relationship between man and woman (more specifically between husband and wife) is that the man is the one who receives the glory. Karl Barth talks about it in bold words, saying that Adam is lacking glory, and she bestows it to him because she is his glory and the glory innately belongs to her (again, cf. 1 Cor. 11). the glory of man is woman, he benefits from her. Barth also says of Gen 3:24-25 that the whole story that has gone before is now all topsy-turvy, because man becomes the adherent and follower after woman.

        And this is where you are so close to right…men are the pursuers but not because they like a good hunt (my husband shutters every time he hears that language) but because he wants her to see him, to choose him, to be receive him…it’s actually he that wants to be wanted. And, if you don’t believe me, how do you feel if you are brushed off by your wife when you’ve been away from her all day…I know few men that don’t cherish the gaze of their wife. I have two little boys, and all they say all day is: MOMMY LOOK AT ME…LOOK AT THIS JUMP…LOOK AT THIS NEW FACE I MADE….LOOK AT ME WHILE I EAT….WHY ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT ME ALL THE TIME?!!? They pursue me, and as their mother I lay the ground work for them to know what it means for a ‘healthy’ woman to receive them. “Yes, I say, I see you.” And, if men need to be needed, need to be wanted, then the enemy has certainly wielded a great and terrible sword by telling women (through the extremes of the feminist movement) to turn away, don’t look, you don’t need a man, your better on your own. When woman walks away, what is left? We are back in the Garden, back at Gen 2:18. Anything that divides the sexes as such is, according to God, ‘not good’.

        But what of woman? It is, as you have said, to be a receiver. I do receive him, I do say yes to him. But not because I’ve been won, per se, or have been chosen (though there is that aspect to it), but because in this equal relationship, I have voluntarily laid down all that I am, because he has laid down all that he is. it is as it is with God, right? We love because we were first loved, we forgive because we were first forgiven. It’s not a game, it’s fact. Women lay their lives down for him when he has already laid it down for her. It is the furthest thing from hierarchical, and closest to reciprocal. And, according to Gen 2:24-25 and Karl Barth, the woman is actually the one that decides what will happen and where; her yes or no (should be) all powerful, her response either creates or negates the relationship. She is not passive, desperately waiting to be chosen, she is active and keen and wise not receiving anything short of a fully devoted man to whom she will devote her self in love and self-offering which, in turn, engenders more devotion from him, which in turn…you get my drift.

        And that is the basis for your beautiful exhortation for single women to wait and refuse to allow themselves to be treated poorly.

        I’ve said too much; thus, why I typically NEVER read posts like this.

        On an extremely unrelated side note, I am a big fan of the theology behind your music (and within it). So much so, that a couple of or maybe closer to 18 months ago, I reviewed one of your songs on a national theology blog. Link to the post is here: http://www.mbird.com/2011/08/tenth-avenue-north-times/

      • Brian says:

        @laurenlarkin – Thank you for so beautifully detailing what I was thinking and trying to describe in brevity.

  35. I don’t think we should hold our standards completely by the Old Testament, but I do think we should try to apply them to modern life. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing a guy, but most guys would prefer a girl to be hard-to-get. I’ve never been the type of girl to pursue a guy, and trust me the guys take notice. My husband said the reason he wanted to be with me was because he just couldn’t figure me out, and he accepted the challenge. (He’s still trying to figure me out..lol) I’ve seen so many of my friends pursue a guy that just isn’t interested, and it becomes a very bad scenario. If a guy is really into you he will let you know it, you shouldn’t have to chase after him. It’s just a guy’s nature to be obvious, I believe anyway. Mike if you do decide to do something for the boys let me know, my friends & I all have teenage boys who would be able to submit questions!

  36. Megan says:

    Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. You all… as a band, as families, as writers, as bloggers, have helped me so much.
    This is great. Will be sharing… as it helped me greatly.

  37. Portia says:

    Reblogged this on Cue the Sun and commented:
    So, I don’t usually reblog stuff, but this is really good.

  38. kabra says:

    Amen Mike!

  39. Brittany says:

    I’m reading a book called “Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend. It discusses a lot of these issues at length and offers great practical insight. I’d highly recommend this resource to anyone really….but especially if you are currently dating someone/thinking about dating someone.

  40. Bethany says:

    Great reminder, especially for single college girls like myself!

  41. Reblogged this on Life of a Sinner and commented:
    I thought this was a pretty good article. Enough said.

  42. Carla says:

    This message is so important. Thank you for writing it.. I’m passing it on to friends and family. I hope to see more men stand up and show leadership in this capacity.. You are truly a man of God. Bless you.

  43. Sam says:

    I disagree with the majority of this article. Times are changing and there isn’t really any harm in a woman taking a little control in the relationship. Some guys don’t have the confidence to begin a relationship and when a woman notices this and helps him out, there is no harm in that.

    It’s the 21st century and it seems to me the Bible either needs to adapt to the modern times, or the modern times need to get a new book to read. Honestly. I’d prefer the second because I do not want to go back to the savage-ness that the Biblical times emulate, i.e. a time when women who were raped were forced to get married to their rapist.

  44. shannalehr says:

    Great blog! Thank you!

  45. Mandi says:

    As always, your advice could not be more timely. As a single mom with a failed marriage under my belt I was contemplating just today how to go about getting back into the relationship world. God didn’t not build us to live alone and He especially didn’t create women to go it alone. Can we? Sure, because ‘I can do all things through Chris who strengthens me.’ But I know for sure He didn’t engineer me to be alone forever.
    However… With my past relationships being obvious train wrecks, I want to follow every leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit on my journey.
    This blog was extremely timely, God ordained and a huge blessing in my life. Once again Mike I owe you and your wisdom from God.

  46. daemu says:

    Reblogged this on Life Has Meaning and commented:
    Exactly what I stand for. Take time to read this.

  47. OMiracle says:

    I am soo glad I read this blog!! Being in high school, all the girls at my school do are talk about guys. They are putting their first true love, God, in the past and are substituting superficial love, (although I don’t even know if some of them know God). It makes the girls that are single and waiting for a good Christian guy feel like it’ll never happen because “all guys are the same”. I am going to take this wisdom to heart. Relationships should follow boundaries and limitations. Both halves should rely on the other, but should, also, ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE rely on God and PUT HIM FIRST!!! It’s good to look at things from a more spiritual perspective than to just see life and the worldly things it offers because that could lead to bad relationships, temptations, and lust. This word has blessed me very much; It’s helping me keep my head held high because I have the love of Jesus and that alone is better than any love a guy could offer me in my life. :)

  48. Charity Stephens says:

    This was AMAZING!!! I have never dated before, but I’ve wanted to. I’ve been so desperate for a guy to like me before, that, had he liked me back it would have been a really bad thing. Because what I really loved was me being loved by a hot guy, not the guy. Because as soon as I didn’t see him for a while I wouldn’t like him anymore and I would attach my fancies to the hottest guy that I knew and saw more frequently. I want to wait for the man God has for me, the one who will pursue me as a precious jewel, and I want to wait and respond when he does come. So with all my heart I am grateful for this incredible post with words that I know have been spoken by God through you, Mike. Thanks :)

    • Charity Stephens says:

      Also, the roles of men and women have been so distorted. But it is so refreshing to be reminded of what those roles are suppose to be.
      Thanks!

  49. Brooke says:

    Mike, I love your insight, brother, but I strongly disagree with some of the things I perceive you to be getting at. I could be reading too far into some of your comments – so correct me if I’m wrong – but here’s my response to some of the conclusions you’ve made about dating.

    Let me first be clear in what I agree with.
    1. Gender roles. By women taking the initiative in the relationship, by them assuming leadership, they “are taking the God-given role of the man away from him.” I agree that our society has it upside-down with men and women; there’s most definitely “a growing confusion between the sexes these days.”
    2. The desires of men and women. “One thing you have to admit is that every woman wants to be wanted. Every man wants to win a prize.” As a woman, I can say the first part of that is definitely true. And with you being a guy, I’ll take your word for it on men. I also can think of Biblical truths/sociological realities that affirm this statement.
    3. Biblical standards for physical boundaries. “Since we are God’s beloved children, there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality named among us . . . . Not even a hint. That means, when you’re asking ‘how far is too far?’ 
A better question might be, ‘Am I sexually aroused?’” I’ve wrestled with the issue of physical boundaries a lot over the years. With Jesus calling even the lust in your heart adultery, I think it’s safe to conclude that “the line” is probably well before all-out intercourse. As much as I hate to embrace radical limits (in a general society view) for this stuff, I have to agree that your standard is Biblical: it’s dishonoring to God at the point you begin to be aroused.
    Now, for what I disagree with. Let me first begin by explaining that I was raised in a pro-courtship family and community. [Note: I am taking a liberty here in assuming that disagreeing with dating means you’re likely endorsing courtship or some form thereof. Please correct me if you’re promoting a different alternative.] I’ve reaped several benefits from my upbringing, but I also find myself, in my adult life, plagued by many of its incidental outcomes.
    I always find it significant that the people most enthusiastic for an alternative to dating in courtship are ones that have found their spouses through dating. My point: they haven’t themselves courted. This is a generalization of the pro-courtship persuasion, of course. I know several courtship couples that love the approach they took and intend to raise their kids to do the same (my oldest brother is one of them). But, in my personal experience and in my community, the kids raised in a courtship structure have largely decided to abandon it in their adult lives.
    Now I’m not going to detail the reasoning behind those decisions, mostly because it varies person by person; I can only answer for myself. I’ve chosen not to court because: it’s impractical to my life circumstances; I don’t believe the Bible mandates one certain system for finding a mate, though it certainly gives guidelines for appropriate conduct; and I don’t feel the Lord compelling me to adopt that approach for my love life.
    Because I’m running short on time, I’m going to offer a short response to two themes I see you getting at in this blog post.
    On dating “cultivating a spirit of divorce in our culture” – Agreed. The way the world/most of our society treats dating definitely trains adults to jump from partner to partner after the person they’re with begins to lose their luster. However, I would like to point out that this occurs from a particular kind of dating: serial dating, shallow dating, irresponsible dating, uncommitted dating. Just as there are different shades of courtship, so there are different shades of dating. I think Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend do a very good job of showing the benefits of healthy, intentional, responsible, God-honoring dating in their book, Boundaries in Dating. They base their approach to relationships in the “love one another” verses in the Bible. I think they propose there a very Biblical approach that fits the present cultural context.
    On people “bringing baggage and pain into marriage because of their past dating relationships” and “How in the world do you expect to grow trust and have intimacy blossom between you and your significant other
 when you’re constantly worried that the other person will leave at the drop of a hat” – As I think back on why my parents and my friends’ parents so strongly promoted courtship for their children, I realize it was because they wanted to spare their kids from all of the pain they experienced in relationships. I really appreciate their hearts in this, but there’s just one problem: we live in a fallen world, where love brings pain.
    I do not consider myself to have ever been “in love” with a man, but I do consider myself to have LOVED various people in my life. In the last year, I had an incident where I had given my love to a friend of many years – and what occurred? They dashed it through a betrayal. I experienced real, genuine, long-lasting heartbreak. I developed insecurities that I still haven’t recovered from; I struggle with trusting other people; I’ve become cynical in a lot of settings. The list goes on…
    The myth out there is that heartbreak is only a romantic relationship kind of thing. In my experience, to love someone, period, leaves you at a very vulnerable place; it gives the other person the power to hurt you in profound, personal ways. And yet, love is what we’re called to do (John 15:12). Now don’t misunderstand me: there are definitely more prudent ways to love (ex. don’t tell your most personal secrets to a gossip; don’t let yourself fall in love with a jerk). What I’m saying, though, is that love, itself, is NEVER safe. It comes with risks, it comes with costs, it comes with pain. No one system can save you from that. But, we can know, as Christians and receivers of the perfect love of the Father, we can be perfected in love, cast out our fear, and love one another with boldness (1 John 4:16-19). Jesus redeems all.
    I’m sorry to cut this short, but I have to stop mooching off of Starbucks’ WiFi and head home. A good blog post to refer you to that makes similar points is: http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-teachings-of-emotional-purity-and.html. This lady, Darcy, also comes from a courtship environment. She speaks here on the negative effects of the concept of “emotional purity” in the courtship system. I find Point 4 to be especially relevant and insightful.

    In Christ,
    Brooke

    P.S. Thanks so much for your ministry, Mike – and all the TAN guys. God has used your music so powerfully in my life. Praying for you all tonight!

  50. Valerie says:

    Even though I don’t think I’ve ever read anything from you, Mike, in a more demanding tone ;) – I will say I haven’t read such a tasteful piece of writing on this subject in a long time. At least since the days when I agreed with where you come out on it. :)

    I don’t blatantly disagree with a lot of it. I mostly just wonder, like an above reader commented, how we as Christians come to the conclusions on gender roles that we do, by reading the Bible. I mean, like the word ‘dating,’ the word ‘role,’ isn’t in the Bible, anywhere. I don’t see any indication that Christ (the supreme point of the gospel) came to give us roles. I actually think He came to free us from them, as they began to be defined since the fall, and as we try to define them today.

    I don’t see where in the Bible men are told to be the initiator, nor where we’re told God gave men the desire to pursue. I don’t see where in the Bible women are told strictly to be the ones who respond. Are there times when this is totally appropriate and right? Sure. But can we look at the Bible as a whole, and say that that’s the blanket single way God provided? I don’t see how we can. Relationships are covered far more broadly than specifically in the Bible, as are the ways men and women are to serve God and one another. Between historical context, various passages and letters in the New Testament, stories in the New and Old, and the over-arching theme of the gospel message, it’s really hard for me to see how we can decide what our final Christian places are in romantic relationships.

    All that said – thank you so much for sharing this. Your heart for godly love in relationships and for God Himself is obvious. Your godly love and respect for women is obvious.

    Love you guys, and I’m looking forward to catching a concert next month.

  51. tina says:

    Take it from me, the wrong kind of guy can spot a girl with “daddy issues” a mile away. I made so many mistakes as a young woman. My two biggest, not taking the word of God to heart and following it and giving my full self to a man to try and fill the void of my absent (earthly) father. Had I followed the word of God I would not have had to deal with the second.

  52. Ruairi says:

    I must say I agree.
    I had my “Prodigal Son” days… and in the end I married the Woman who made me woo her in letters for 9 months before even meeting me in person…

  53. kirstylou42 says:

    Amazing stuff! Thank you!

  54. Lucy Furr says:

    Nothing like taking dating advice from an book written ~1800 years before its invention.

  55. Kyle says:

    >The term was coined in the late 1800′s, and was used to describe a liaison between a man and a prostitute.

    You are correct, but the term courtship was used at that time. The term dating instead of courtship was introduced around the 1920′s.

  56. Ruairi says:

    sorry andy, but “your own values” could mean anything. there are those who see nothing wrong with assault battery rape and abuse of others including children. It could mean no concept of decency or Honour or Honesty.
    We live in a society that society needs boundaries. It needs Morals. A modern view of “Dating” is proving to be a very poor way of finding a spouse.

  57. Maddie says:

    Wow. I really needed to hear that. Amazing post, Mike!

  58. Joy says:

    Mike, thank you for this awesome piece. I really love it and agree with you so much!! One thing I am not sure what to do is that there is a type of guy who just like to chase girls around, he just wouldn’t give up. Even after I show them i am not interested in them; they are upset they can never get me.. plus they will try to separate the guys whom i might be interested in from me, try to pull them away from me and created confusions, even rumors or slandering…Yes, it feels good to be wanted and to be chased at sometimes, but by people like that I rather not to be chased by guys. I mean I rather choose what I love at times.

  59. Jasmine says:

    It’s truly amazing how I have been wondering about this recently and just happened to stubble upon this blog and post. As a high schooler with my close friends dating, I’m never really sure “how far is too far” or whether I should try and reel in the guy myself in the first place. I feel like this was really good advice. Thanks, Mike! :)

  60. Dana Brewer says:

    You would love this wedding video.

    (shared with permission)

  61. J-Pip says:

    Hello my favorite Nashville couple,
    Good Lord, there are a lot of posts here. It seems like there are two things going on- many responders who have something at stake, namely they want to be in a romantic relationship. Many are in high school, but not all. They’re saying, “Yes, I want to be pursued! I want to be wanted!” No surprise there. And then there are others who disagree or resonate with how you think things ought to be done.

    I think there’s probably a silent third party who won’t comment, so I will comment for them. They are the young men and women who don’t feel represented in the role discussion. Boys who don’t feel competitive. Girls who don’t swoon in their disney princess outfits when a handsome prince comes to the window. Girls who are strong leaders and boys who are sensitive. I think the roles you describe pertain to the majority of people, but my heart goes out to teens, pre-teens, and adults who struggle to see themselves in books like “Wild at Heart” or “Captivating”.

    Is there a place for these people in the church? Do they need to change their personalities to fit a stereotype before they’re accepted? I’m not talking about sexual behaviors… yet. But I guarantee, if these orphans wander long enough through a culture that has no place for them, they will eventually look elsewhere for comfort and validation. I have friends who grew up in the church, didn’t fit in because of gender stereotypes, and left to pursue a gay lifestyle. Would it have been different if they felt like they had a place to belong? Maybe, maybe not.

    The church can describe trends in differences between men and women; it’s fun. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, let’s look in the mirror and better understand ourselves and each other. But that’s not the book Paul wrote. In fact, Paul said, “I wish you would all be celibate like me.” And Jesus never pursued a woman. Every teenage girl and boy wants to know how far is too far because our culture combines with potent hormones to tell them that the single most important reality of their lives is sex or a romantic relationship. And the Bible has this incredibly liberating message: sex is not the most important thing! Dating and marriage are not the most important thing! “God’s best for you” is not synonymous with “a great husband/wife”!

    The Bible does not present us with models for an ideal form of masculinity or femininity; it presents us with models of godly people. Yes, men and women are different. Yes, we have different roles. So what? Do you identify with Jesus? Are you allowing God to shape your desires, or are you deferring your life until marriage, until sex, until a romantic relationship begins?

    Just some thoughts. Love you both, hope to see you soon, it’s totally lame that I’m posting on a blog but I read it and was moved.

  62. vuyo says:

    thanx, u have managed to eloquently articulate what i have long believed but have not stood for because of a damaged self esteem.

  63. Leyanet A says:

    its funny how i came across this post…. this is something i had struggles with. I had done a lot of horrble things with guys and some of the things i hate what i done. It’s sucklish feeling of seeing everybody i know is in a relationships and here i am being single so i felt so much pressure of getting a boyfriend. so i came into a relationship with a guy and it’s only last a month. Couple of months later, i came into a relationship with a guy. he is not a christian….. but as for me being accepted God as my savior…..I told him that i want our relationship to take it as slowly because of our pshycially. it can go very ffast and move into sexual phyiscally level. a week later…. he broke up with me after telling him that.

    sometimes i feel like God is jealous of me and doesn”t want any guys to take me. i just recently broke up with him and i was in a moment of sadness for while.

    Leyanet-

  64. Sheridan says:

    I’m 16 years old and never had a boy friend, I like that I can believe that I’m a treasure and have much value, I just got taken advantage of by one of my so called “guy friend” and it hurts, thanks for posting this up. Its very inspiring

  65. I’m still marinating on what Mike said. I’m so glad I’ll know him for eternity! :)

  66. Matthew Smith says:

    really those were things that i had always done and thought of doing anyways… but it was refreshing to hear/read of another man that has the same values, i dont hear how other men look to dating/courting often but it was a great reinforcement to continue living it.

  67. Rachel says:

    This is something that my generation needs to hear! I am a homeschooled 12th grader that has been trying to get the word out about dating, and how it can cause us to carry baggage into our marriage relationships.
    I like to blog, I post about this kind of stuff yet I feel like it doesn’t make a difference because my blog is like the needle in the hay stack when it comes to the internet. I am so glad that you wrote this Mike, and families! I can’t thank you enough for the hope that this gives me.
    To tell you a little bit more about myself, I am a sinner, a lire, a wretch, I am not who I once was, I am who God made me to be, I am made beautiful because of his sacrifice. I love Him because He first loved me. I praise him because He is holy and my hands can do nothing without the work of his. I struggle, I fight, and I strive, ever wandering, ever seeking, ever praying. I love everyone, not of my own accord, but because Him who is within me LOVES.
    I am a one of quadruplets, I have two brothers and a sister. They are my blessing and my joy (Even though we have our spats), I have two wonderful parents that put up with us and raised us up in the fear of the Lord. We are all passionate about relationships and what a biblical relationships look like. We are 17 and have never dated or had an intimate relationship that was dishonoring to our purity, by the grace of God. I want my life and the life of my siblings to be testament to the glory of God. I want to please God in the role that he has placed me to play.
    God is amazing, He is good, and He can do all things. He led me to this blog and to TAN’s songs. Thank you TAN, Mike, and families! It has been a blessing reading your blogs, website and listening to the songs. Don’t stop!
    A personal thank you to Mike for his heartfelt message. So glad that you and your family is willing to step out and BE THE LIGHT THAT SHINES IN THE DARKNESS.

    Rachel

  68. Lydia 13 says:

    When should you start dating? Lots of kids at school date and they are in 5th grade and sometimes even 3rd. Does it matter? I want to feel loved but I don’t want to be pressured to do things I don’t want to do. How can I feel more loved?

  69. Annie Blakey says:

    I know this is cliche and seemingly ridiculous, but I also know that it’s a question not only in my hearts, but women everywhere.

    What if no man thinks I’m worth fighting for?

  70. Rachel says:

    Lydia and Annie,
    Because the Bible does not talk about dating, it is hard to know where to draw the line. But, there is allot in the bible that speeks about purity. If lust is considered adultery in the bible, then obviously we have to guard our minds just as passionately as we guard our hearts. Seeing people that are too young to even understan what relationship means dating is a shame. I know that they have a right to love and be loved, but when young, love is not the same.

    If God’s plan for you is to meet your night in shining armor someday, you will meet him! Trust me, if it is His plan, Prince charming will come allong. Don’t try to rush God’s plans by trying to start your own relationship. God can write a beautiful, romantic, story with your life. If you pick up the pen and try to write it yourself…it wont be half as glorious :) God obviously thinks you are worth fighting for! He came down and died for you. He suffered so that you would not. Think about this love. He fights and has faught for you! If he does not plan for you to be married someday, maybe he plans on using you to your full extent as a single in your Christian walk.

    Blessings,
    Rachel

  71. Melanie says:

    This is fantastic! Mike, you’re very insightful! It’s nice to see a godly person confirming that relationships actually do work based on these roles

  72. A Worn Girl says:

    Thank u. I’ve read this so many times…Only God knows how much it has helped! Just wanted to say thanks, though this was posted like, a year ago? But it’s never too late!

  73. Hemingway Cat says:

    What happens when a man asks out a woman who is not interested? She is put in an uncomfortable position of having to reject what may be a perfectly nice guy. To follow the analogy of Christ and the Church, it’s like she is rejecting Christ. It’s really bad if they are part of the same church group and have to face each other on a regular basis. Or if they had a friendship before.

  74. Mohammed says:

    At this time it seems like Expression Engine is the top blogging
    platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using
    on your blog?

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