September 27, 2012 by A Girl Like Me
All week long I have been waking up every morning with a question. What on earth do I write this week in regards to sex?? What haven’t we covered? What is it that God wants me to say? A few things came to mind but my head kept going back to a question that was asked a few weeks ago. How far is too far in a dating relationship?
Ugh. I am reluctantly writing this post on how to stay sexually pure while dating. Why am I reluctant? Because I was just so darn bad at it! I’ll be honest, I am not the girl you want to model your dating life after. I messed up A LOT. So I come to you with lessons I have learned and regrets that I hope to keep you from. I was not the girl who kept my kisses only for my husband, although I wish I was. I am not the girl who only dated one guy and then married him, although I wish I was. and I am not the girl that met this amazing godly man and then courted him in groups of people. However, I am the girl, who had feelings just like you, who was so full of passion and love and wanted to be close to someone who I cared so much about that I sacrificed my values. I was the girl who dated more than one guy and gave pieces of my heart to each one. I was the girl who made out with someone else’s ‘someday husband’ and didn’t really give it much thought. I lived selfishly and in the moment, rather than guarded and wise. I was foolish. So to all those who are foolishly “in love” and to all those who want to be “in love” I bring you words of caution and words of lessons learned in hopes that you will not have the regrets I had.
Let me just tell you what I have come to find when it comes to sexual relations with a dating partner. I have come to see that sex is a slippery slope. A very steep slope I might add. Our bodies were made to go all the way. We were not made to stop my friends, and that’s probably why Paul so desperately tells us to flee sexual immorality. (1 Cor. 6:18) That literally is the only way to keep us from falling head first into sexual sin. Run! Coming from experience, it is practically impossible to try a little hugging, and then a little kissing and it remain there. It always leads to more because that is how God intended it for marriage. We try to step foot on the slope, and we think we are invincible to the dangers that lurk… but we will always fall. So, looking back if you were to ask me how far is too far? I would have stopped at holding hands. I couldn’t handle any more than that… call it passion, call it love, call it lust… I was weak and I wish I would have listened to the small whispers of conviction when I had the chance to run.
In high school I was so wrapped up in my current boyfriend that I didn’t really give much thought to the scripture 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 which says- “” Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” Maybe I would have thought about it more if I was actually reading the Bible on a consistent basis. However, the Word of God took a back shelf whenever I was in a relationship. I encourage you to stay in the Word daily if you decide to date. It will strengthen your desire to glorify God in all you do. I, however, did not glorify God with my body. I gave my body away. Still, here I am shaking my head wondering how on earth I am supposed to continue writing this. Because I get it! I totally remember dating. I remember how it felt to really care about someone and feel like it was so right to be physical with that person. I remember how much I wanted to show that person my love through physical touch. I remember what if felt like to see that person as my world and I would do anything for them. I did know it was wrong but at the same time it didn’t feel so wrong. I was acting out of love if you would call it that. So as someone who made boundaries and usually broke them… I understand. I understand how you feel and the longings you have and don’t blame you. I don’t even judge you if you have broken the boundaries you made. Heck, I don’t judge you if you didn’t even make any boundaries in the first place because you’re too lovesick to make them. I’ve been there, and I get it. BUT! If you were to ask me if I regret any of it, my answer to you would be a big fat YES! Why? Because I lost pieces of me physically and emotionally to each one of those guys and I gave something away that wasn’t even mine to give away. I also took something that wasn’t for me to take. And when the relationships ended I was left with more pain than I was ever intended to feel. I was left feeling a divorce rather than just watching a brother in Christ walk down a different path that God called him too. I was left confused, hurt, and questioning who I even was. I was left with looking into my husband’s tear filled eyes when I told him all that I had done. I had forgotten that I was bought with a price and that I belonged to someone else. I had forgotten that through the death of Jesus I was made holy. ( Col. 1:21-22, 1 Cor. 3:17, 1 Peter 1:16) I didn’t think about the fact that I belonged to a divine power and was considered sacred. And forgot that I was set apart for a beautiful purpose. Which leads me to my next point, the most beautiful point, which my friend Jen so perfectly put in a recent comment. And so I will steal her words. ;)
What if we changed our perspective from asking the question ‘How far is too far’ to the question’ How holy can I be?’ You see I made many physical boundaries in my dating relationships and I just kept breaking them. And all I was left with was guilt. But I wonder what would have happened if I turned my eyes from the lines that shouldn’t be crossed to the eyes of Jesus. I wonder what would have happened if my goal wasn’t to just remain a virgin but my goal was to grow in holiness. To just see how much I could get to know God and just how close I could see His face. I wonder what would have happened if I realized that I was totally set apart for a purpose and I was considered sacred. You know what I think would have happened? I think I would have still failed at times… but I think I would have chosen Jesus over my boyfriend more times than I did… and would have experienced a little more holiness than guilt the next day. I wish I would have experienced less kissing and more peace. There were those very few times that I obeyed that still small voice that told me it was wrong.. and I felt more alive. I felt holy. There is not one kiss that I don’t regret before my husband. I would take it all back and would have replaced those kisses and make out sessions with dancing, laughing, praying, worshiping, singing at the top of my lungs with a heart that knew who she was. That Kelly, all those years ago, was meant to live life fully and with a non-crippling joy rather than torn and anxious and filled with guilt. That Kelly was meant to be made holy and sacred and at peace and didn’t even know it. Do you know it?
I know you were probably hoping for a list of Do’s and Don’ts. I know you were probably wanting me to sit here and tell you all the guide lines on how to remain pure with your boyfriend. I don’t have a list and a set of boundaries for you to follow, but what I do have to offer you is this- be who you were made to be. You were made to be Holy and Sacred. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you have the strength to step out onto the slope and not fall. We were made to fall with the right person, in the right time, under the purest of covenants. When it’s not the right person, you not only are harming yourself, but you are hurting your brother in Christ. Learn from my past mistakes… It’s not worth it. Don’t place yourself in any situation that will cause you to stumble. Flee.. and then fly.
“Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Eph. 5:14