Band Wife-dom: 101
31June 5, 2012 by agirlikemee
Before Jeff and I got married we, like a lot of other couples, went to premarital counseling. The counselor we saw is a gentleman whose sole job is to counsel and minister to bands and their families. He has insight into our crazy world, and so he was therefore the perfect person to help guide us into this strange married life. In one of our first sessions he told us something I will never forget. He said, “In this life you have chosen you will find it holds unique joys and even more unique trials.” Of course I didn’t know then what he meant, but three and a half years later, I know now.
I really do love the shows on MTV and VH1 that depict the “real lives” of celebrities. Parties, private jets, champagne, drama, glamour wealth, etc etc. They make it appear as though it is the magical world and if you aren’t apart of it, you aren’t that cool. Well I hate to burst your bubbles gals…BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. So let me disspell some of these misconceptions for you.
One major misconception is the lifestyle lead while on the road. Again, most people assume this is something of wonder and amazement, but I beg to differ. REAL life on the road means sleeping in a 3ftx7ft coffin of a bunk, smelling each others stank, not being able to flush toilet paper down the toilet, and trying to stay asleep while your bed is literally moving. . When you do arrive in the city you are playing at, the lack of glamour continues. You mainly get to only see the inside of the building in which the show is at, shower in places where I think I have caught some rare diseases, and occasionally be forced to eat food that you wonder if it is really food to begin with. Life on the road is anything BUT glamorous. See? Unique trial.
But as there is to all things, there is a flip side. Despite the lack of glamour, life on the road is also amazing. You are travelling the country getting to see and do things you never thought you’d do, meet people you’d never expect to meet, and going to places you never thought you’d get to go. And the best part of all of it, you get to do it with the person you love most in this world. So for all of the crud that comes with a travelling lifestyle, it is totally worth it.
Another misconception would have to be the “fame” factor. It’s no secret that when you have a husband in the spotlight, there is a small amount of idolatry that is placed upon them. I’d even argue that the idolatry is even more present in Christian artists solely because there is that initial connection with sharing the same beliefs. I have seen, and still see, young girls and grown women oooh and ahhh over the guys in our band without ever giving a thought to the fact that they are husbands and fathers. In my presence my husband has been told by a girl that she thinks he’s hot, that she wants to marry, he is her world…etc etc. And despite the rage that floods me at their complete disrespect and disregard for our marriage, I am more saddened by the fact that all these women took away from the show was how hot one of the guys looked and how great it was to just get to touch them. And although I trust my husband to the ends of the earth and back, it still scary to know that I am sending him into a den of women who possibly do not have his and our best interest at heart.
On the other hand, I have met some of the most amazing people being married to a band guy. I have met fans whose love for the Lord and heart to serve our guys is beyond words. I have read letters from people whose lives were changed by the music the guys played, and I have even built lifelong friendships with some of the people I have met. I have met astronauts, FBI agents, Pentagon workers, Missionaries, truck drivers, stay at home moms, and giggly high school girls. And these incredible people are each etched into my heart, not for how they may have loved me, but for how they may have loved and served my husband.
In general, being a band wife is hard. It is being separated from your husband for possibly days at a time. It means having to occasionally be a single mother while your husband is away. It means sacrifice and distance, and more sacrifice and more distance followed by even more sacrifice. It is not for the faint of heart, and in my honest opinion, it is only something that God can truly call a woman to.
There are days I wish I was a normal wife with a normal husband. There are days I long for stability and normalcy and the simplicity of routine. And there are days where I feel like I can’t keep doing it and would love nothing more than to give up. Like I said, band wife-dom is tough.
However, in the end, there is no other place I’d rather be. Few things give me greater joy than watching Jeff do what the Lord has called him to and getting to see how his obedience to the Lord is helping others know Christ better. Understanding that the world is not about me, but rather about HIM, makes all the sacrifice completely worth it. So bring on the bad food and the exhausting travel schedules and the super sketchy showers. This girl is in it for the long haul.
For quite a while, I’ve dreamed of being in a band on the road. I already knew that being on the road had its ups and downs, but this gives me even more knowledge about it. Thanks so much for giving us a glimpse of your life!
Heather, I met you at a church in Knoxville, TN some time ago. I was the annoying older woman buying sweatshirts – like you would remember! I have been following the band ever since I heard By Your Side on the radio late one night. I had never heard of the band nor the song, but it felt like I was listening to God singing just for me.
I guess I probably gushed and embarassed myself. You were wonderful and kind and very patient with me. I can’t imagine all that you and everyone goes through to prepare for and put on so many concerts and and all the traveling that entails. All I can say is thank you all.
I’ve seen the band twice now in Knoxville. The last time at the Knox Auditorium where I worked at the merch table for them. (If you could drop a hint to include Knoxville on the Struggle tour, I would appreciate it!!! ^_^ )
Anyway, I have seen lots of bands in my 65 years, from the Rolling Stones to Switchfoot and Relient K. One thing I am sure of. When Tenth Avenue North plays, God shows up and fills the hall!
Thank you so much to all the wives for sharing their husbands who minister so well, even to an old poop like me!!!
The first time I heard of TAN, my Aunt had sent me a video for “Times” on FB. Shortly after that, I found Christ, or He got to me. You see, we don’t know how much we effect each other. I hadn’t heard any christian music up to that point in my life. I was 32 years old. That fall I took one of my friends to a TAN concert at Northwestern College in St. Paul, MN. So it is like a ripple effect. Christ’s love moving in ways we cannot imagine. I have never met any members of the band, but it felt great to hear them in person. I commend you for sharing your husband with all of the world. I can’t imagine the sacrifice you and your family go through. But I know whatever is happening, it’s in God’s plan. Thank you so much for sharing! God’s Peace!
I love Tenth Ave North so much. And I have seen girls Ooh and Ahh over Mike and Jeff so much. My sister and I are always talking about how rediculous and sad it is. And it’s kinda weird, but I hear more girls saying they want to marry Mike or Jeff more than Brendon or Ruben….Which is really backwards. I think Mike and Jeff are awesome people, and have so much character and wisdom. And I would love to be friends with them and be able to share with them and talk to them, and have them disciple me…..But I VERY MUCH respect that they’re married and a lot older than I, and would NEVER dream of thinking of them in that way. I also respect you guys as band wives, my sister and I were talking he other day and saying that, even though it would be crazy awesome to be married to a band member, we almost wouldn’t want to just because so many girls would be wanting them…I respect you guys so much, I would LOVE to be able to meet you. I know that will probably never happen, but it’s a dream. You guys inspire me way more than you’ll probably ever know. Thank-you for all you’re doing, and all the sacrifices that go along with being band wives. I love you guys!!
I love all the “Video Diaries” Mike has been doing. Like they’ve been blowing my mind. I’ve learned so much from them, and have been bringing me to tears
Wow. So many typos…Sorry. Lol Also, I meant to mention the video they just put out about The Struggle…It made be cry. I’m not even joking I cried so much. It’s kind of sad to say, but I’m glad to know that they struggle too. For so long I’ve been feeling like I’m such a horrible Christian because I seem to have so many struggles. It seems like every day, anymore, is a struggle. This new album couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. Right now is probably the roughest time I’ve ever been through. It just seems like I struggle and then struggle over struggling….Ugh. And I can’t really talk to anyone about it, because my parents think I’m a horrible person….Anyways, if you would just let them know, all the videos, tweets, songs, lyrics, everything they’ve been sharing have been speaking to me so much. So please thank them for me. =)
I agree with you rebekah that as much as I do ” love” all the band I would never want to step over their marriage I think that they all are amazing and have amazing families! I am with you on wanting to sit and talk with them and become friends that would be awesome because they give so much encouragement. I will also be praying for you in your struggles and remember god is always there for you to fall back on!
Yes agreed 100%! A starbucks, a frappe’ and a few hrs to chat would be awesome! with the whole band and family!
I know right! I’ve also been struggling a lot lately, by that I mean that I mess up again and again and… again. In the end I end up feeling quite worthless and terrible and sad that I’ve hurt God again. But lately the Lord has been showing me that Christ paid for all my mistakes…. All of them! I have to tell myself that quite a lot because I tend to believe the lie that God surely won’t forgive me completely again, unless I do something to make it right. But truth is I can’t. I can’t bring anything to God, it’s only through His amazing grace that I can be forgiven. And because of Christ He’s totally willing to forgive me and change me. I just have to believe that He is enough, great enough to forgive me. Our pastor preached on this same thing last Sunday, from I John 2v1-2. It’s really worth reading, the verses I mean. Anyways, I hope I’ve been of some encouragement at least. And thanks for sharing that you struggle too, Rebekah. Love in Christ, Talitha
I very much agree with Rebekah. Heather and Kelly, thanks so much for all you’ve gone through. I just can’t believe how many women and girls are so disrespectful to both of your marriages. It is so sickening.
Your husbands’ music is so inspirational and has drawn me closer to Christ than ever. I respect them and like Rebekah said, would never ever think of them that way.
I hope to meet both of you someday, if not in this life then in Heaven. Blessings to you and your family.
First of all, I want to restate what loisann14 said “When Tenth Avenue North plays, God shows up and fills the hall!” Thank you so much for the sacrifices that you, Kelly, and the other wives make so that the band can travel and do the things they do. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be at times, but I praise God that He gives you the grace to walk through it. And please allow me to just say (like so many others) Tenth Avenue North constantly points me to Jesus. To be completely honest with you, that is why I like them so much. I saw them back in January and came away, not with an obsession over them, but with an obsession of knowing Jesus more! Also, my little brother is a fan of the band. He has been through a lot and struggled with depression and hurting himself. At the concert in January he bought a “U R More” bracelet. He now wears it over his scars. There are not words to tell you how thankful I am that he got to see them play to meet them (at the meet and greet table). God is using the band in his life, and for that I am exceedingly grateful. All that to say, be encouraged that females are not their only audience
I wrote about their concert on my blog if you are interested in reading more…http://berrysweet13.blogspot.com/2012/01/he-is-real.html
Thanks yet again, Heather, for this honest blog. I don’t know first hand what it is like to be a band wife (or any sort of wife for that matter, ha!) but I have often thought about how tough it would be. I was glad to see you addressed the inevitable idolatry that comes along with fame. It frustrates me when I see girls act that way, and it’s not even directed toward my husband! I just want you to know that I pray for husband’s band and the band families daily. Thanks for your hard work and perseverance through those times you want to give up. I can tell you first hand that Tenth Ave has inspired me to renew and strengthen my relationship with God through their music and live shows. God is doing great work through Jeff, Mike, and the rest of the band! I will continue to try and pray for your guys and you gals daily. Can’t wait to catch a few shows this summer!
Wow! I never took time to think about how much sacrifice you must make! Well, I’m here to tell you how thankful I am. How thankful we all are. This band has changed my life. After my friend showed me the You Are More video, my whole walk with God changed. I finally understood what He was trying to tell me. Ever since then, I’ve let their music speak to my life. Man, is it true. God does amazing things! And He is using that band, and He is using YOU! Thank you so much. For what you do, and what your husband does.
Heather thank you so much for starting this blog to start with! I have followed Tenth Avenue North for 4 years now and they just remind me to Love God even more. When you said the thing about idolatry…..i do admit i have been like that around some artists im a teenage girl its only natural hahaha. But when someone got onto me for idolizing Tenth Avenue North it was different i told them. I look up to your husband and the rest of the band because there music has literally been there for me alot. ALOT! i look up to them and want to meet them cause there music has changed my life and i just wish to get the chance to thank them in person. I also want to thank you as well for this blog gives me advice and shows me that not everyone, even a band wife, is not perfect thank goodness. Just thank you again alot! and thanks to the guys!
Just to let you know–I keep this band and their families in my prayers regularly. Tenth avenue North played a key part in bringing my daughter back to Christ, and I am very grateful! After reading this, I know why God called me to pray for you! Thank you for all you do:-)
Heather, thanks for doing this post! I was so curious to see what it is like, and so thanks for sharing the Juicy insiders of being a band wife! lol
Ever since i saw the “Meet the wives” video of their website a few years ago I have really wanted to meet you guys and looked up to you… You are so encouraging, pretty, and Godly… I know you get this a ton, but it is so neat that you started the blog… Really selfless and generous, because i know that this must take up a lot of time you could be using in other ways… thank you.. Also, just wanted to say that i pray for you (the band and their families)…
it is so weird that women go for the married guys more, but it just shows you just how great the battle against satan is. i admire the strength that both you and kelly have. may the Lord continue blessing you and giving you strength for what you were called to do.
TAN has blessed me and my family in so many ways. my parents are mexican (born over there) and dont speak a lot of english but they do understand it well. i remember the day my kid sister and i showed them the first album. my mom cried through the whole thing and we didnt even have to translate! she said she felt the Holy Spirit through the songs, especially her favorite “By Your Side”. she sings the lyrics perfectly. lol.
this post is my favorite yet. it opened my eyes to how much pressure and uncertainty and porblems and awesomeness there is living on the road. i look up to the band wives who are determined to live that kind of life alongside their husbands. honestly i look up to the TAN guys a lot because their music has completely turned my life around. thank you heather for sharing this post, and for sticking it out for God’s glory!
Great post. Very well said
Blessed to hear your thoughts!
Great piece! You are so right on and couln’t have said it better than done regarding Christians and like-mindedness as a instant attraction. Praise you and your faith as a wonderful helmeet you were created to be!
You may not know this but I am the one you’d have the hardest time getting to read ummm just about anything I usually don’t like to take the time to do it, I’m a bit scattered and fast paced to say the least. I have fallen in love with a few blogs after starting to read this one. I’ll be honest (which might be most girls on here if thier being honest too) I came here b/c of tenth ave. I love the sacrifice you ladies give. I was always wondering how you felt about there being so many “fans” of da boys and not of who they worship. I have been wondering where I’m at with that, alot of us love the band as a whole but when does it become too much… I love to follow along like on twitter, fb, tours I wanna go to as many concerts as I can because I want to support them as band/mission also b/c its just fun. Is that too much?!? Kelly, I look up to Mike as an inspiration and nothing more… he’s stated things in ways I would have never thought of. God has truely blessed him in wisdom. I have met most of them two times now, I’ll be honest again I was beyond excited and kinda thought Iwas going to freak out but no, I knew they are normal people just like me and I saw that both times. I always thought that there was no way they are the same people I see on the screen, but they soooo are.I don’t exactly remember what I said in that 1 minute but I apologize if I seemed weird I was just kinda star struck I guess, lol. I love you families I think all ya’lls kids are stinkin’ cute and only wish you all the best. I would like to think of all of you as friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and nothing more and hope that many others girls see it the same way. I will continue to follow along and grow insight from you gals.
You are too awesome!!
p.s. see you in 8 days Heather!
Sorry I’m not catching what you were saying?, lol
I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot tenth Ave north pole.
haaa
Annah you’re too much
Sand box syndrome…
I replied in the wrong spot, Sorry I’m not catching what you were saying?, lol
Hi Heather and Kelley & families & doggies & pets and everybody
How art thou all
???
A sure way to knock this ” lust ” ball out of the 10th Ave. Ballpark…
Make more appearances ( public) & video & photo appearances with your husbands.
Wear matching t-shirts that point at each other and say, ” I am his.”
” I am hers” We are ONE.
Guys wear lust and drool proof headgear..cover the eyes the mouth the nose the body and sing through a one way Plexiglas window ( like the ones on the detective shows)
Put cardboard boxes around yourselves and Public paper bags for your heads w/ eyes holes & breathe hole so you can still sing and get the point across.
Issue fans at concerts,3-D glasses w/fall out lenzes..
Hey lets make a ” anti lust”,blog for lust junkies and repeat offenders w/ lust overcomers to help in this
:*) :@> love y’all, keep up the good work!!!
I have always said that band members give up so much just to share what love they have for Christ through their music. Your husbands band helped save my life a couple of years ago with their music and I thanked them many times and often in my prayers and it is nice to be able to thank you for sharing them with me in a way. I love the blog and thank you for being so brave and faithful to say with us so openly
Youre a strong woman Heather:) im 16 years old and i can feel your agrivation and happiness when i read your passages. I too love someone who is in a band and i coprehend and am glad that im not the ony one that is going through this distance. I wonder if we could communicate one-on-one so i can express my relationship with the person that i love and more importantly, our king, God:)
Bere, if you go to the What Do You Think page on the blog, you can certainly contact us through there.
Thanks so much for doing this post! I would love to be in a band, but I found out I want to be a teacher instead. As much as I love singing and all I don’t think I could do all your talking about. I would most likely be complaining. I’m kinda one of the girls who go crazy over guys in bands. But when I find out they’re married I take a step back. Because they’re married and it’s pointless to dream about a guy your never going to get. It’s also being mean to yourself because your getting your hopes up for 1 a guy who is married and 2 you may never see each other again. I do this with multiple guys not just in bands. And third if you don’t know the guy is married and dream about him, later you’ll find out he’s married and it might hurt to know that. By the way Kelly and Heather,I respect your marrige and all of what you do. Thanks again for the post! God Bless! <3
I have many times thanked God for you wives because I know what a sacrifice it is for you to be away from your husbands and pretty much have to share them with the world. I remember the first time I met you and Jeff. You were pregnant and I talked to you about having a boy, since I also have boys. When I asked Jeff for a picture of me and him, I felt so uncomfortable knowing you were standing there watching. I stood so far away from him in the picture, as to not be disrespectful, that it made for a very awkward picture.
I do find myself at times putting them on a pedastal and having to remind myself that its about God, not about them. I do understand how it is so easy to idolize them in a bad way because they are such sweet and talented guys who are all about God and that is something many people admire and want in a mate.
I will continue to pray for your marriages and that they will be a blessing in many lives.
Thanks for telling us how ur life is love tenth avenue north