The Naked Truth
36May 15, 2012 by agirlikemee
In the four and a half years that Jeff and I have been together, I have only seen him cry a handful of times. I remember seeing him cry when I walked down the aisle on our wedding day, and of course, on the day our son was born. But no memory will stick with me as much as the first time I ever saw him cry. You see, those were not tears of joy like the other two, they were tears of pain. Pain that I had inflicted. Pain from hearing about my past.
I never thought I would have been the girl who sought out sexual sin in her life, but I was. You see, I grew up thinking that men were the ones who struggled with lust and that my role as a girl was to keep them in check. No one ever told me that as a girl, I too would lust and desire sex, and maybe the guy in my life would have to keep ME in check. So when I came face to face with these temptations, it was all too easy to let them into my life.
I had been dating my first boyfriend in college for about four months when he saw me naked for the first time. I remember the adrenaline I felt- the conflicting emotions that I knew it was wrong, but something about it felt “so right.” I remember feeling desired, beautiful, and more importantly, loved. But when the moment had passed, I was left with an emptiness that I could not express. Knowing that my behavior was totally wrong, you’d think I would have been smart enough to realize what I was doing needed to stop. And I did know that. But my drive to find approval from the man I “loved” and the sexual desires that I was totally unequipped to handle caused me to move deeper into my sin and not further away. So when that relationship ended, the agony I felt from giving so much of myself to him was completely overwhelming, I felt I would never recover.
What’s more shocking to me was not that I gave myself to a man so willingly, but that I allowed it to happen three more times with different men all following the same pattern as before. We were “in love,” I wanted to feel loved and desired, and now I knew how good sexual sin felt, so it got easier and easier to fall right back into it. And every time each relationship failed, I was back to that place of despair, and eventually, self-loathing.
There’s an old analogy they used in youth groups back in my day when talking to us about sex. They would say we were like duct tape. The more we stuck ourselves sexually to others, the less sticky we became. The analogy is really awful, totally leaving out the option for grace and redemption; but it does hold some truth. You see, once you give yourself to a man in any way physically, he takes that with him and vice versa. The more you give, the more he takes, and the less you have. Eventually, you begin to ask yourself if there is any way a man could ever love you. You are soiled, defiled, and a mere shell of what you could have been. How could any man ever want that?
The night I told Jeff about my past was the most difficult and the most healing moment in my life. I still cry (even as I’m typing now) at seeing the pain in his eyes when I had to tell him that he was going to thankfully marry a virgin, but not a spotless one. The heartache of telling him I was too selfish and too weak to my own sin that I couldn’t wait for God to give me him so that we could enjoy all of those moments with each other. And then to have the agony of knowing that somewhere else, those men were confessing to their future wives about the sins they committed with me; and the pain that I was now inflicting on women I didn’t even know. It was a moment that will stay burned in my memory forever.
Now it would be terrible if the story ended here, but it doesn’t. That night was the first night I saw first hand how the unconditional love and grace that the Lord gives can be poured out to us through others. Jeff did not yell at me when I told him, He didn’t call me names or condemn me. What he did was he forgave me and told me he loved me and that in his eyes and the eyes of the Lord, I was still worthy of that white dress. It was the purest form of redemption I have ever experienced. To know that just like my looks do not define me, neither do my sins. That in repentance, there is forgiveness and an outpouring of grace that is indescribable.
So dear friend, as we take this month to affirm the fact that we are more than what we see, know that your sins do not define you nor do they hold a claim on your future. Do you hear me, dear girl? You are not bound to your sins, Jesus has already payed the penalty for them. With His forgiveness, you are set free from those shackles. And if you are still in the valley, and still living in your sin, take heart-Jesus is forgiving you even now. Hallelujah.
One of my favorite hymns growing up was called Jesus Paid It All. The chorus simply states: “Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin has left a crimson stain. But He washed it white as snow.”
Be clean. Be forgiven. Be set free.
Points of reflection: 1Thessalonians 4:3-8 Hebrews 4:15-16 Ephesians 1:7-8
This post means more than you could ever imagine. God is doing a great work through you.
Thanks so much! Your a very good writer. Your blog has helped me so much. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with stuff like this.
I love how open and honest you are Miss Heather. I haven’t had theis kind of Struggle personally but I know it is easy to fall into these kind of temptations no matter who you are.
You write with such honesty, integrity and vulnerability. There are not many who would willingly step out on this journey that you have set out on to expose yourself through the good, bad and ugly. Furthermore, you have set out to truly expose the grace and mercy of a God that fervently seeks us as we are.
Side note: Charlie Hall’s song “Hookers and Robbers” is one that replayed in my mind as I read your blog today.
Wow! This post brought me to tears. Still to this very day do I beat myself up for the sexual sins of my past. I had no man in my life growing up so I searched for love in all the wrong places, and boy did I find it in all the wrong places. Now as a soon to be divorced mom, I look at myself and wish I would of waited for the man God had for me and hopes he is still out there and will still want me in spite of the mess I made of my life. I pray for the day when I can truly forgive myself and believe I am worthy of real love regardless of all those mistakes.
Thank you for making this blog. Your openness and honesty will help women like me see I am not alone and that even us as Christians have struggles that we need to learn to lay at the cross and leave there.
Dearest Clarissa, you are so worthy of love. And the thing is, you are loved and treasured more deeply than you could ever fathom. I fully believe Jesus will grant your hearts desires. Know that healing is a life long process, as I too still am mending my wounds. But with the redemptive love of Jesus, we can have hope. Blessings to you girl.
I have a similar past to yours, but thank God I’m not where I used to be! I think a lot of mine came from the fact my Dad was never around so whenever a boy would show me any kind of attention at all I would take it as he cared about me….that led to me getting pregnant when I was 16 years old. Although I would not trade my first child for the world, I wish I could have done things differently. Now that I am older I have learned that if a guy isn’t willing to wait to have sex with you then he really does NOT love you-he is just lusting after you. I had so many friends get STD’s, and also get pregnant…but they chose abortion because they would rather kill their “problem” so people would never know the things they had done…how sad! If only I would have waited until I was married to have sex I could have avoided a lifelong burden that comes back to haunt me every now & then….and I wish my husband would have been a virgin as well because his past comes back to haunt us sometimes too. A few minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of regret, learn to fight back girls…..if that guy will not stick around because you refuse to have sex then get rid of him! God has a better plan for you, and a better guy! BTW-we STILL sing that hymn at my church…it may be old fashioned, but it’s one of the best! Thanks for another wonderful post!
This post brought me to tears. Mainly because this picture of marriage is so beautiful. Only recently was I presented with this very Godly view of marriage, and it’s truly amazing. The idea that God uses marriage to help proclaim the Gospel. Two people looking at each other and forgiving each other and loving each other unconditionally. Through everything and despite everything. This type of witness is beautiful, and it gives me a lot of hope. It also brought me to tears because I never had anyone be this honest with me as a teenager. In church, they just tell you not to have sex. They don’t tell you that you’ll want to and that it will be difficult. This type of honesty is what changes people, and I’m thankful God is using you in this way. It’s beautiful, wonderful, and inspiring. God is using these posts and these stories to help heal my heart. Praise God.
You made me cry just hearing this:) I know that emptiness and pain. I let a young man grope me when I was sixteen and felt sick about it. Thank you so much for posting this Heather!! Jeff is a great guy and I’m so glad you found him for a husband!!! God Bless you!!!
Heather,
I had experience of my first sex when i was 16 year old. i felt the same feeling you were talking about… i felt so guilty but at same time in a way it’s felt good. i fall back into that so many time… i gave myself into sex so many times. the truth is…Nobody know that i had sex at such at young age but i kept it a secret and i hadn’t told anybody about it actually. so thank you for that blog post you wrote
I cried when I read this. We sin so much and sometimes we forget that we are, in fact, forgiven and made clean by Him. This entry was a great reminder. A real reminder.
Why don’t we get told we can lust too? Why don’t we get told about masturbation and pornography? Why don’t we get told that our desires can be overwhelming, and that while yes there are some very emotional sides to it that sometimes it is just physical. God lead me to your blog, I commented on 2 posts ago, thank you for being open and sharing. Im just so terrifed that healing and freedom is not possible, I am so scared that Im too broken and screwed up and why would anyone love me… I walk around in utter fear and with pain due to countless wounds. Thank you for writing I just hope God rescues me soon.
“I just hope God rescues me soon.” How I feel and I feel like that’s how I’ll always feel. I think healing and freedom is possible…For a moment…And when I think I’m ready to give my life… I get afraid and lost. Like, I’ll never be good enough to be saved. I don’t think I can do it…But I can.
Beth,
You are never too screwed up or broken to be covered by the loving grace of our Father. REMEMBER that. And like you, I worried how someone could love me here on earth after all that I had done, but someone did. And someone will love you too. I believe this is God’s way of redeeming our stories and showing us just how much he loves and forgives us. Take heart, dear Beth. Let God in and accept His forgiveness. He WILL heal you.
This goes to Beth,
Speaking from the standpoint of struggling with lust, masturbation and pornography and speaking from the standpoint of being free from it all, please hear this. It is in the deepest of hurts that God patiently awaits your prayer, it does not have to be perfect, sincere or even nice. Some of the most beneficial prayers I have ever prayed came from the darkest of times, anger, bitterness and frustration. I can assure you they were vulgar, crude and downright disrespectful. God calls us as we are, where we are and who we are. Do not feel that you have to change yourself to confront God, bring everything to him…EVERYTHING.
One of the best pieces of information I can share with you is trust the women in your life who are Godly and upright. Trust them with your mistakes, regrets and everything in between. Trust that in the moments of hurt they will lift of prayer for you. DO NOT BE ASHAMED. Christ died that you may never feel ashamed again. Remember…COME AS YOU ARE!
Thank you to Heather and Heather for your comments. They are uplifting, I pray that the hope I so desire and the freedome that I need come swiftly.
Dear Haley
Jesus said while hanging on that bloody cross for all of us ” Father forgive them, for they KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO “.
We all aALL sin every day. Some of us before we get out of bed in the morning or getaout the door every Fay or driving in crowed highways with rude crappy drivers we a in.
When asked Jesus said ” we are to forgive 70x,s 70 ” Right?.. well who needs that much forgiveness in a day??? All of us
Haley
if someone were to give you a GIFT you would simply receive it 
But if someone were to give you a pay check you would have earned it right?
We cannot earn or feel or be good enough for
His salvation
We’re humans :@/
So when you feel ready to accept that free gift Jesus wants to give to you immidiatly accept it & watch what happens
Not condemnation. No fear. No rejection.
But a reassuring presence of His acceptance & love & grace & P E A C E like we’ve never known.
I grew up secular American gentile as they come:
Then was thrown into a Christian school grades
7-9. Haley ….. those were some of the most hateful mean people I’ve ever known!!
Wow is this what Jesus is all about I thought???
Well alot has occurred between now & then that made me wonder too was I ever good enough to be saved??
Then later on in life I found out I was Jewish. Ahhh yes the people who hung Him on the cross!
All our sins Jew & gentile hung Him on that cross. This is what His Father sent Him to that cross.
Now you know girl I could not have e been good enough to obey all them 600+ commandments way back then. Even the 10 now Moses gave! We break them everyday :@(
T H A T. IS. WHY. WE. NEED A. SAVIOR
Rest .. He will find you & rescue you. And also it says Search & He shall be found. Knock & it shall be opened into you…seek & you shall find .
You’ll be okay.
Thank you, Juliyah!
By the way, I love how you spell your name!
And with what you said reminded me of “Losing”. “To lose the pain that’s mine SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN TIMES.” and “Oh, FATHER WON’T YOU FORGIVE THEM? THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’VE BEEN DOING.” Haha.
I love your blog. I’m Rebekah Wegener’s sister…you know, the one who tweets at you all the time.
She sent me here and I really love your writing. Thanks.
Ha ha…Funny, Heidi.
I didn’t realize I tweeted her all the time…Oops. Lol
Thank you so very much.
Can’t say enough how much I needed to see this right now. My past is covered & forgotten by God, but sometimes it feels as recent as a moment ago to me. But I am more.
Thank you for your transparency in sharing with us. What a beautiful story.
I’m new to your blog (today being my first time reading thru it)… I too come from a sorted past… Most happening through out my almost 20 year marriage… Your story as well as a couple others I read had me crying…im 41 and still screwing up… I haven’t been in church in over a year but I DO have a personal relationship with Christ… Thank you for sharing the stories and i look forward to reading and following your blog even more! I might even be inspired to share my stories here too!
I just came across your blog today, but I’m glad I did. This is something I have been struggling with recently and no matter how hard I try to get away, I feel like I just keep falling back into it. I feel like I can’t really get away.
I have the fear of wondering if anyone could ever really love me after getting myself into the things that I have. It’s scary.
You have no idea how much I needed this today. Thanks
I feel like I’m reading my own writing as I read your posts. I haven’t gone through the exact things you have gone through, but similar temptations and upbringing. I too grew up with with legalism, and was always considered the goodie goodie. I thought I had everything together, until not long ago I started struggling with sexual sin, and I realized I had to be open with others about my sin and ask for prayer. I was and am weak and can’t defeat it in my own strength. Its by God’s grace and mercy that we can stand. Learning more about grace. Thank you for sharing your heart, and testimony with us girls.
Oh my goodness, Heather! Wow!
I have never been able to fully articulate everything the way you just did. I, too, went through the same ordeal with sexual sins and struggled to cope with them. It’s been over 2 years since the last time I dealt with any of the sex, masturbation and porn – and since then, I have worn a purity ring on my wedding finger, promising God to wait until I get married to give myself to my husband.
As God promises us, He makes us white as snow. 2 Corinthians talks about how if we are in Christ, we are a new creation – the old has gone, and the new has come! I am overwhelmed by that truth and totally overjoyed to share it with you.
I am so relieved and so proud of you that you shared all of this. You, my friend, most certainly have a gift – and I look forward to getting to know you better. Heck, if you and Jeff lived around here (I’m from Connecticut, by the way), I would totally love to grab coffee.
Praying for you as you continue to share your heart.
THANK.YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Heather
Wow, some of your story rings true for me. I am keen to tell my story but I am not sure about sharing through comments on here and would prob prefer to contact you via email if that was possible. At least to begin with then when I was comfortable perhaps I would post on here so that other ppl can see and hear my story n perhaps learn from it. I am still dealing with a lot of issues but I am working through them and in time and with God’s help and friends who care deeply I know I will get there.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I read this blog a few days ago and it really comforted me in my own struggles. The weird thing is that my struggles aren’t the same as yours, I’m going through what your husband Jeff did. The roles have been reversed for me, over this past week as I learned the very same thing Jeff did, and I’ve shed so many tears over the loss of my boyfriends virginity. I can tell you that it is a very painful thing to hear (I’m still in the process of grieving). But as you shared in your blog, it is NOT an unforgivable sin. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few days and came across a quote somewhere that read: “Jesus was a virgin. His bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.” Grace is hard, but God grants me grace every single time I sin against Him. Going through this has really shown me how much pain our sin can cause, and it makes me wonder…does God feel this kind of pain every time we sin against Him? I think He probably does, but He STILL loves us with an unconditional love. That’s incredible! I don’t know exactly what Jeff felt as you guys went through this, but I know I’m struggling. I want to grow from this with my boyfriend, because I know He is a changed man who loves the Lord and truly regrets his past, but I don’t know where to begin in the healing process. I forgave him, and I am trying to show him as much grace as I humanly can…but I still feel some pain. And I know every time my boyfriend sees my pain it only brings him more, because he knows his decisions hurt me. Maybe you have some advice on how to move on from here…I would appreciate any that anyone is willing to give. Thanks
I’m 54 and trying to learn how to be a lady. You see my parents did not know what they should teach me. Anyway, because the Word of God is living and active a double edged sword dividing between bone and marrow Hebrews 4:12, I thought we all needed to hear this: Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17 (This does apply to females, too.) And, do not call anything impure that God has made clean. Acts 10:15 I believe, help my unbelief.
I haven’t sexually sinned but I have kissed someone & I think if I didnt do that I would be pure. I wouldn’t regret it. I also am not emotionally pure. I liked someone for 4 years, I knew what he did in his past, I knew he wasn’t completely pure & I knew he still falls into that same sin but I still liked him! When he started to like me I didnt like him. He actually asked me out 2 times & I said no. I was only 16 at the time but still. I had/have some maturing to do in Christ before I date & I am/was too young! I have dated before I was a TRUE Christian but I don’t think about dating now. I think I can’t wait till I meet my husband but then I think God your timing. now we don’t talk & I think if its your will God! I have guy friends but I don’t like them & I distance my self. I am not raised in a Christian home. How do you build up walls between you & guys? I do not have an Godly woman to be a role model besides my youth pastor’s wife. How can I be a more Godly woman? How can I not be focused on guys? How can I not be obsessed with guys? If I like a guy I get obsessed.
*15 at the time. I’m 16 now.
I simply have to say “thank you”. I am in tears as I type, the first time I’ve cried over knowing that, I too, can be clean, be forgiven and be set free.
I am a guy and I stumbled upon this blog through TAN’s website…I am a virgin dating a girl who has a crazy past…she abandoned God in HS when her cousin died (she blamed God), experimented with drugs, became promiscuous (she has been with multiple guys), etc. I knew her when she was young and we both liked each other, lost contact for 7 years but were reintroduced to each other after all this time. We still had feelings for each other but had no idea about each others’ pasts…the talk happened two months in, when I brought up my decision to save myself for marriage, just so she was aware and could get out if she wanted to…needless to say, I then found out about her past. Even though we both took separate paths, I decided I would date her and see how things went. Well we have been going out for 6 months and she is now going back to church, she has seemingly embraced her faith, she has vowed to stay true to my wish of waiting until marriage, and she has stopped smoking as well!! When I found out about her past, I was shocked, and hurt to say the least, but I look at it like this…what are we called by God to do?? We are called to forgive others as WE ARE FORGIVEN. Not to pass judgment on others and forgive unconditionally. Now, if she had not accepted the Lord again, and changed her lifestyle, etc., then that would have been a different story, but she has thanked me for showing her that there is never a wrong time for Jesus, and I believe that she has truly changed. So to all of you girls out there who may be in a similar situation, do not be afraid, because God forgives you no matter what, and truthfully, that is all you need. And any man that tries to follow the Lord and tries to lead you closer to Him as well, will give you a chance to prove yourself if you are willing to change. Just always remember that God loves you, and that he wants what’s best for you as long as you let Him lead you. And even if you feel like you don’t deserve someone who may be “less clean” than you, just remember that if you turn to God with your sins and your concerns, He always forgives and forgets; and anyone who truly knows Him will hopefully be able to do the same!
God Bless!!
You can’t even imagine how your comment blessed me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart & may He continue to bless you and your relationship.