Flat As A Board

33

May 10, 2012 by A Girl Like Me

All my life I’ve dreamed of having boobs. Now I know some of you are thinking, “Heather, you’re a girl, of course you have boobs.” Well friend, you’re wrong. What I have can hardly be called boobs at all. For the sake of defining them, I’d call them boob-lettes.  Either way, I have spent the majority of my life wishing for a bigger chest than the one I inherited.

Growing up I was always, and I mean ALWAYS made fun of for being built like a boy. I was made fun of for not wearing a bra, made fun of when I did wear a bra, joked about in class, and humiliated by boys that I had crushes on. Needless to say, the desire for any kind of boob-age was a dream I often had.  And I knew the only way that would happen would be either by medical procedure or the joys of motherhood.

Quick anatomy lesson for you ladies: when you get pregnant, and eventually have a baby, your breasts will grow as they fill with milk so you can feed your baby and keep them alive. All very beautiful and what not, but for a girl like me, it was a chance to finally see what I would look like with real curves. And the reaction I had was not what I had expected.

By the time I got pregnant at age 28, it was the first time in my life I had ever filled out a padless bra. I just knew I was going to feel sexy and womanly-all the things I had dreamed of as a girl. Instead, I felt fat and ugly and hated that I couldn’t fit into any of my cute tops anymore. I loathed and despised my new curves, and was so happy for the day when I could get my little nubbins back.

It’s funny to me how much stock I put into the size of my chest into making me happy.  What’s even funnier is how now that I do have my little small friends back, I begin to once again complain about their size and how unwomanly I feel with them. Grass is always greeener, right?

So when will we ladies stop being so caught up with how we look ,and improving those looks, that we can actually find contentment with the way God designed us? Honestly, I have  no idea. I wish I knew how to rid myself of the daily war that takes place in my head telling me I am ugly, but I don’t. And honestly, I dont think I ever will.

I think the one thing I can cling to is this: I am MORE than how I look. Do you hear me girls? YOU ARE MORE THAN HOW YOU LOOK. When you stand before God, he isn’t going to say, “Hey ______, you really rocked that dress for my glory. Way to look hot.” Why? Because God has made us for more than lipstick and flat abs and a great set of breasts. And the truth is, until we can really believe that, we will always let the distorted lies that our bodies and our looks make us who we are consume us. And if you are like me, letting those lies rule your life is quite exhausting.

They say it takes 30 days to start a habit. So…for the next 30 days I am daring you, nay, I am double dog daring you to take up a challenge with me on defeating these lies that our looks define us. I want you (and I will be doing this too) to find the mirror that you mainly use every day to get ready in front of. On the top of that mirror I want you to write the phrase “I Am More Than What I See.” Next, and this is may be a big step for some of you, I want you to take a photo of yourself in said mirror and post it somewhere- whether it is here on this blog, your facebook, or your twitter. Because if we are going to really believe this truth, we have to declare it to the world.

Dear friend, my hope is that in these next 30 days we will begin to see that God sees, loves and has created us for so much more than our bodies and looks. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to see that, at least for me, being flat as a board isn’t the end of the world after all.

Points of reflection: Psalm 139:13-14  2Corinthians 3:16-18  1Timothy 2:9-10

33 thoughts on “Flat As A Board

  1. Janie Hague says:

    This post is just what I think I needed to read/hear today. Yesterday I got a letter in the mail telling me that I was denied health insurance because if my height/weight. I was super crushed by this. One because I have graduated college, got a full time job and nee it. And two because I have always been self conscious my whole life about my weight and how I look. I am not terribly over weight, but it seems like every day I wish I had a flatter tummy, or did not look so broad shouldered etc.
    I have always known that I am made just the way God wanted me to be, but in these past few months, I have fallen away from that, and fallen into the lies.
    So I have been thinking of ways to start this, going to a gym, eating right etc. Well to be honest, I do eat right, the gym thing, well I have not started that due to finances, but I have been trying to walk more instead of drive etc.
    So your post today was a great encouragement to know that I am beautiful, and I am more than what I see. Being denied health insurance due to my height/weight is just one bump in the road, I know I will soon get to a healthier weight, but what does matter is what God sees. And as long as I remember that I know then that I am on the right track in whatever I do. So I take on your challenge, I wrote on my bathroom mirror I am more than what I see, and I put my picture right under that!
    thanks!

  2. Sophie says:

    Ugg idk if i can do that that sounds really hard! Heather, i have the exact same problem, and its not like i’m just a slow grower or anything i’ve been this size for quite some time! Of couse i’m only sixteen but i know i am not gonna get much bigger! I kinda fall into the pretty “no chest at all category. Its ironic though because, like i’ve seen pics of you before, or like in the TAN podcasts, and i was always like”Heather is soooo pretty!” “i wish i was like her” so thanks for sharing this Heather, it may sound weird to say but this really encouraged me. Thanks :)

    • agirlikemee says:

      Sophie, you CAN do it! Trust me, it is hard at first, but it does get better. I have had that phrase on my mirror for a week now, and it really has helped. And girl, I am president of the “no chest at all club” What you see in photos, it is the gift of the padded bra. So how about us small chested girls band together and proudly proclaim that we are more than those little boobies!

      • Sophie says:

        Thanks Heather :) I wish i could meet you sometime you are so sweet. I am secretly glad that you have “no chest at all” just like me, i feel like it actually kind of gives me hope, because, you Are married and have a really cute kid! Sorry that probably sounded weird. I like the idea of us with practically nothing in that area proudly proclaiming that :)

      • agirlikemee says:

        Ha ha ha thanks. ;-)

  3. Sarah says:

    I can seriously relate. Thanks for this post :)

  4. Hannah says:

    Wow. Your honesty is inspiring and it is so, so freeing to know that I am not the only one who deals with this.

    I have always felt like I must be a terrible Christian or something for feeling insecure because of my tiny chest. With all my friends walking around me, unknowingly flaunting their cleavage in my face, I have always felt “too little,” and frustrated that I didn’t look my age. It’s strengthening to know that I am not the only one in the world. =)

    • agirlikemee says:

      Thanks Hannah. Now put that phrase on your mirror right now! I’m telling you, it has already made a difference for me.

      • Hannah says:

        Okay this is realllllyy belated to be saying this so hopefully you get some kind of notification for a new comment — but I wanted to tell you how MUCH this changed my outlook. Literally 180 degree turn. I still have that phrase on my mirror. Thank you. =)

  5. Haley Shields says:

    Haha, thanks for sharing Heather. But if you, as a teen, had oversized boobs like me…Yeah. NOT FUN. But, I do need to see God made me more than my body and my oversized boobs. Thank you so much, Heather! For making this blog! But…I don’t have a social networking sight…So…I can’t do the mirror thing. But, once again, thank you!

  6. Anna says:

    One of my issues is distorted body image. This is seriously something along the lines of what I actually want to get tattooed to my rib cage, especially since I always scrutinize my abdomen in the mirror. I will be doing this to the mirror in my room once I get home….AND I will take a picture AND I will try to do only one “take” of the picture.

    • Haley Shields says:

      I totally agree with everything you said. Only…Mine are, unfortunately considered “big”. And the “I don’t want that to be what attracts a guy to me”, I’m the same way. You’re most definitely not the only girl that feels that way.

    • Haley Shields says:

      Oops…Sorry…I didn’t mean to post that reply to your post.

  7. Jessica says:

    Okay, so here’s a view from the other side… lol. I have never wanted to have big boobs. Mine probably aren’t considered big, really, if you compare them to what most people call “big boobs”, but they are bigger than my two sisters’ are, so therefore I think they are “big”. lol My sisters are always saying about how little theirs are, but I’m the opposite. I’ve always been on the verge of thinking mine are too big and wishing they were a little smaller. I think my reasoning behind this is I don’t want a guy looking at me because of my big breasts. I don’t want that to be what attracts a guy to me. Is that stupid? Probably. Anyway though, please know that I have nothing against girls who want bigger boobs… but it was just funny to read this and know that I think the total opposite. I’m probably the only girl that feels this way too. lol

    • Haley Shields says:

      I totally agree with everything you said. Only…Mine are, unfortunately considered “big”. And the “I don’t want that to be what attracts a guy to me”, I’m the same way. You’re most definitely not the only girl that feels that way.

  8. Catherine says:

    As silly as this might sound, I’m so glad someone else knows this feeling too. I’m 18 and have watched all my friends fill out while I’ve stayed the same, tiny, flat size.

    Your posts are so encouraging, and fun to read, too. Thank you for doing this!

  9. Jessica says:

    PS: Just to clarify on the guy thing… I know any guy that’s only attracted to me because of my boobs isn’t a guy I need to be around, but I guess it was more the thought of knowing that if you have big boobs… there are guys out there that are going to “look” at you or “want” you because of them. Idk. Something like that. My brain is hard to figure out sometimes… even for me.

  10. Kate Lowrey says:

    I used to be self conscious too but for different reasons. I always thought that I was built more like a guy. I have broad shoulders and i have always been really muscular. I felt awkward in my own body. Now I am proud of my body and how strong I am. I am a pro triathlete and i am training for the 2016 Olympics. This has been my dream for a long time and now I know that God gave me this body for a reason :)

  11. Haley says:

    I’m going to do this:). I struggle with the same thing daily, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

  12. Bubelaiken says:

    Hannah…

    In JUNE 17th of this year will be my one year anniversary of my self-harm. after giving up my razor blade to the band and it was really hard and was struggling trying to be free from self harm..trying to break the chain of the urge of self harm. after giving up my razor blade… i actually would remind myself everyday listening to “You are more” everyday because i don’t want to forget that reminder…I don’t want to forget that gospel because i actually thought that i am a cutter… that is who i am until You are more telling me that I am more than a cutter …. and living in my daily basic day… i might forget that… because once i go on my daily basic day.. i might forget that… so i would listen to that song everyday. in sept 2011.. i got a tattoo to remind me that and it definely helps me that. knowing that they are proud of me for making it far definely push me to keep going… to keep being free.. .to keep making a difference in Self harm… to remind myself everyday of the gospel of “You are more”

    However…There is one thing i’m struggling with… after meeting the band and giving up my razor blades .. i gave myself up to God, got myself baptized at a church i goes to. there is one thing i am struggling with now. my whole life… i was considering as an outcast. i always have trouble making friendship because of my abusive home life so i would like sit by myself… wouldn’t talk to anybody.. and kept myself away from that distance. i used to be that way but i still have that feeling of being an outcast.

    after the concert… i started to go to more Christian concerts, christian festivals and so on on… but in a way…it reminding me that i am an outcast. i met so many christian artists and sometimes they made me feel like i’m a nobody. an outcast. because most of them don’t want to connect their fans or whatever

    then i have old friends in my life that would make me feel that way everyday.. that i am an outcast. i stopped hanging out with them but they still make me feel that way.

    sometimes i wonder…Am i an outcast..You know what..i actually think i am an outcast that nobody would talk to. That nobody wouldn’t want to be friends with… that nobody would care about. i still struggling with that. Am i more than an outcast? Am i somebody? crazy huh…

    Heather i am going to do that..
    anyway i just want to share that this is what i’m struggling with. I am going to take a picture of a mirror that say I am more than an Outcast…and put it on my Instargram account :)

    • Jessica says:

      I know how you feel when you say you feel like an outcast. For some reason all my life I’ve grown up with the mind-set that I’m a boring person that no one would ever want to be friends with. I think it stems from the fact that I’m not good at making conversation – or keeping a conversation going. I live in fear of “awkward silences”, so instead of risking talking to someone and running out of things to say, I just rarely ever talk to anyone. I’ve always been a quiet person and am constantly reminded of that by people. When people call me “the quiet one” or say “you’re so quiet”… it’s like the worst insult possible to me, because in my mind they’re saying “Wow, you are so lame. You’re no fun. You’re BORING” – even though they probably don’t mean it that way. When I was in school I was a little more outgoing I think – because I always had my best friend to talk to and I think that gave me a little more confidence – but since I’ve graduated I feel like I’ve slowly become more and more of a “loner”. My best friend is married and I rarely ever see her and I literally don’t have any friends except my sisters. And lately they have started making friends with people at their jobs and hanging out with them, which leaves me feeling a little jealous and also insecure because there’s always that nagging voice in my head “You’re so boring. Of course they would much rather be hanging out with their friends instead of you.” I know this is a different “outcast” situation than yours, but just know that you aren’t the only one who feels like no one wants to be around you. I feel the same way. I know the change probably has to start with me, but it’s really tough to get around the negative thoughts sometimes. I think the more I focus on God and realize how much HE loves me, maybe I’ll start to accept myself for who I am (who God made me to be) and realize that what people think of me does not matter near as much as I think it does. I’ll keep you in my prayers and congrats on your one-year anniversary! :) Praise God for making the difference.

  13. This is a FUN little thing to be F R EE E to be me :-)
    Thanks Heather :-) waiting for your next Topic :-)

  14. Winter says:

    I am seriously starting to wonder if you are a long lost sister….LOL Great minds think alike they say, so never stop keepin’ it real! There’s a lot of girls out there who need to know these things. I am finally coming to terms with having small boobs, but I am 33 & a lot of other things are stating to go wrong with my body that makes me realize breast size is not my biggest problem……humor is the best way to go, because unless we have cosmetic procedures done there’s really nothing we can do about how we look! God made us each beautiful in our own way, and every woman has some kind of issue with their body. Most guys are attracted to women who have confidence, regardless of how big their boobs are…..or any other physical factor…so hold your head up high girls & be happy with the way God made ya!

  15. Caitlin says:

    I can relate. The only time I have curves are during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I’m actually pregnant right now and I just packed away my pre-pregnancy bras and I remembered how tiny I was before. I made a comment to my husband about how I don’t like being big breasted either because I have broad shoulders while being thin (during the nursing time) so large breasts make me feel top heavy like a football player :p
    But my wonderful husband always reminds me that I am beautiful regardless of my body. When I get caught up in wishing my legs were more toned or my skin more smooth, I’ll ask his opinion and he’ll tell me he wants me to be happy exactly where and how I am. God often reminds me of this as well. He is working with me on being truly free, realizing I am totally free. Free of guilt, free of worry, free of condemnation etc… It’s amazing what we let burdened us down, through this journey I am finally starting to see. I believe God led me to this posting because I made the football comment just this morning.

  16. Sophia says:

    This is really inspiring.. I am only 16 but I have always been tiny in that department, but I still have some major curves going on… I like to say I have a bubble butt… All my friends are star athletes with washboard abs, small legs, and a small butt, where as I not so much.. This post really gets me thinking, you know us girls who arent so blessed in certain areas can still find a guy who loves us for who we arent, not necesarilly how we look!

  17. Sophia says:

    By the way, you and your husband are adorable! I have loved TAN since the beginning, and have met the crew twice… Thanks for sharing your story!

  18. Kim says:

    I have no chest either. It only really bothers me when I’m in a swimsuit because I want to at least look like a woman and not a 12 year old boy. I think being teased about being flat-chested specifically as a teenager, is what hurt most (they referred to my boobs as tic-tacs). To all the girls going through that now, I can honestly tell you, it does get better. We are daughters of God and He loves us and we are worth more to Him than we can even comprehend. Anyways, as I was reading this post, I thought about a veggietales that I LOVE. (I’m a mom of 4, so we watch a lot of veggietales around here.) A Snoodle’s Tale is such a great story told in a Dr. Seuss-like fashion about how God feels about us. Thanks for starting this blog Heather! Thanks for being strong and courageous!

  19. a girl like you says:

    Dear Heather, wow, encountering this blogpost of yours is so timely. It’s amazing how the enemy wants me to think i’m all alone (aka throw a pity party) when it’s not true. Recently, God set me free to a mind-renewal on how to think about my body. The entry below is taken from my letter journal to my future husband, if God has foreordained one for me. It is very very personal, hence i will not leave my name in, but i desire to share it for the sake of edifying other girls. May it spread a contagious victory of contentment in the Lord!

    7.5.12

    Dear love,

    I am thinking of you again tonight. It is 3:31am in the morning. I had to apply some medicated cream on my body and thus had to do something I don’t naturally enjoy doing—looking at my naked top in the mirror. It’s hard for me to imagine any man delighting in this temporary tent (2 Cor. 5) God has given me. Recently, I prayed in a new way for you and it was so freeing to me. I asked the Lord to prepare you for marriage with me by increasing your appetite for eternal things so that you would not be too disappointed when you gain this new body of mine. :) But the freedom came by praying this: that my body would be sufficient to protect you. Wow…the purpose of my body is not to impress others but to protect you, my love. And if God has created me for you, I can trust that He will provide for you sufficiently by my body, protecting you from all of the dangers of extramarital sexual temptations by our marriage. It has been freeing to see my body in this way. It is the first time I adopted a selfless view of by body. It sets me free from the chains I have been long bound to due to the very self-centered view of the purpose of my body, which God has *graciously* made to fall so short of the worldly standards of beauty. Thank you. You are already blessing me, love.

    Tonight, I looked at myself in the mirror, wondered again—can it really be possible that you would delight in me? Before I allowed myself to wallow into fear (the fear of our first night together or the fear of the thought of being married entirely), I talked to myself and said, “With man, it is impossible but with God, all things are possible.” While it used to be that I wishfully hoped this verse would be for the miracle of growing more (hoping mindlessly that it is just a delayed puberty!), tonight I put my trust and rested on the right thing: God. If God says it is possible and if He has created me for marriage and for you specifically, then I can trust that He will keep His word to make it possible for you to delight in my body. And though I still do not know the exact way or means He will do it, I rest my confidence in this: that God is enough. God is my portion. God is slowly renewing my mind and putting to death the old, defeating way I used to think about my body. He is giving me victory simply by thinking of you. :) And while I wait until it is time for Him to present me before you, I know it will most honor and please you that I busy my mind on eternal things.

    Excited to be yours,

  20. Grace Sy says:

    Hi Heather, wow.. I really admire you for being so honest. Brutally honest about yourself. You know, I am 19, flat chested and so insecure. I have a bra size of 32 A. How about that? Back in highschool I was constantly being picked on about being flat chested. My closest friends make fun of me, boys of all ages used to make fun of me too. It was so hurtful. In front of everyone picking on me I laugh with them about my small “boobs”. But once I get home I lock myself in my room crying and so angry with God. I questioned God if I really was made in his self-image. If I was really fearfully and wonderfully made… I was so angry that I questioned if He understands my pain. I questioned that if he did, why did he make me this way? Why did he make me flat-chested? I also questioned if He really cares about what I feel when I am being insulted about this issue. One time I thought He laughed at me too with other people about me being flat-chested. Til now, to be honest, I am still very very insecure about my boobs. I can’t even be honest when someone asks me about my vital status so instead of lying about it I don’t answer.. Why is the world like this? Heather, I salute you for being so honest. You are an inspiration to me. I’m also worried about my wedding night (probably 10 years from now) when my husband would finally see my body …..I think that would really be embarrassing. I know this sounds stupid but I don’t want to get married anymore just because I am so insecure about my body. I wish there are still a lot of guys out there that will love a woman for who she is. Heather, you are so lucky to have Jeff as your husband. He loved and accepted you for who you are. As for me, I still have to figure out who will love me for who I am, for being flat-chested. This has been my biggest insecurity ever since I reached puberty.

    P.S. I asked God for forgiveness for questioning Him. He said He has forgiven me already and has forgotten about it. And He said He loves me for who I am :)

  21. Marissa says:

    I just found this blog and I love it! So sorry I’m late on the responses
    I’m the opposite. I have large boobs. I can’t even say that they’re large compared to some people. It’s nice to have them because I’m short, so that way it hides if I have a stomach, but that’s the only positive. My friends always joke about them, it’s something guys notice constantly, and I have to be way more careful about what I wear than others to avoid cleavage and such. Finding the right bra size can also be a challenge, especially because so many bras now are made with padding or push-up, so finding the right size is hard, finding the right size without extra is harder. While some of you seem worried about a guy liking you even though you’re flat-chested, I don’t want a guy to like me because I have “a rack.” Even through anorexic and bulimic, the only body part I have are boobs.

  22. rachel says:

    Omg i am a little late but I just saw this post and it hit me SO hard! I’ve had the same issue. In middle school I was labeled as part of the “itty bitty titty comittee” and people would make fun of me and laugh at me. It was painful and all my life since then I’ve tried my hardest to make my boobs look bigger eveen though it sounds super dumb like I’ve bought super extreme pushup bras but nothing seems to be working but I am trying to realize that it’s not important. What purpose do they serve anyways besides feeding babies? Why should I want big ones? One thing I have been thankful for though is the fact that I know guys won’t like me for what I have but better yet who I am and I can never doubt that!

  23. Julia Gregory says:

    So this is kinda just in general how I look. I think everyday I NEED makeup or I can’t wear this shirt because it makes me feel fat. I have been called fat & ugly before & I totally messed up my life because of what that person said! I have been told by friends I am beautiful but it’s hard for me to believe it. One person brought me to Psalm 139:13-14. Sometimes when I have a lazy day & just wear whatever I feel like I can’t go nowhere because I don’t look good. I try to remind myself I am fearfully & wonderfully made but it is really hard. I have thought bout putyin Psalm 139:13-14 on my mirror but I can’t I cannot drag myself to it. I don’t exactly know if I can do this.

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