Scary Scary Quite Contrary
30May 8, 2012 by agirlikemee
I have literally been sitting at my computer for the last few weeks thinking of where to start. I mean, the things we girls deal with are so vast, it’s like making a drop in the ocean. I have typed, deleted, retyped and re-deleted this post time and time again (I’m even doing it now). And then the irony of what I’m doing hits me smack in the face. But let me back up a bit.
The one nagging thought when I first felt God calling me to write this blog was, “Why has no one ever done this before?” And as I began going through the process of preparing and planning for this, the answer became all too clear.
I did a survey trying to gain intel before starting this blog and one of the questions asked was why girls feel they can’t share their struggles. The most common replies I saw were: “They wouldn’t understand” and “I dont know how they would feel if they knew.” You see, we as women desire relationships more than anything else in this world. It is the beautiful and loving side of Christ that compels us to feel this way. On the flip side, loneliness then becomes our deepest fear. To be without relationship is to not have a life at all. So when faced with the pressure of spilling our deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets to our friends and loved ones (or the whole world if you’re nuts like me) is to risk losing the very thing we treasure most….relationships. So instead we do what we do best. We put on an “everything is fine” face and choose to live out our pain in secret instead. Which leads me to this post.
Why have I been deleting and retyping this thing over and over again? It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared no one will read it. I’m scared that I’ll offend someone and they’ll hate me. I’m scared that people will read this blog and think I am nuts or a horrible person. I’m scared of what my family will think when they hear about things that I have done that they’ve never known before. I’m so scared. So instead of starting out being bold and courageous, I have chosen to hide behind my delete button in the comfort that secrecy brings.
Last week, I read this blog post entitled ” Well-Behaved Women Won’t Change the Church.” In the post, the author writes something that rattles me to the core. She states: “Yeah, well-behaved women will not change the church. Instead, change in the church will come from not-so-well-behaved women who are willing to risk their pride, reputations, and “being liked” to stand for what God is stirring up in their hearts.” You see what she is saying there? She is saying that change….or in some cases healing…won’t happen until we let go of the fear of losing everything to do what we know God wants for us.
So there you have it. In order to move forward together and tackle these topics, we have to let go. We have to know (and I’m speaking to myself) that people may not like us. People may turn away from us. We may be rejected, mocked, and mistreated. But one thing we will not be is alone. See, just by reading this blog, you are taking the first step to being open with the fact that you are screwed up like the rest of us. And as myself and others continue to share our lives with you, we’ll begin to see that we were never alone to begin with. All we needed to do was speak up.
Points of reflection: Isaiah 41:9-10 Matthew 11:28 Deuteronomy 31:6
I understand what you feel. I am as well scared to go out of my comfort zone. I have struggled parts of my life longing for a relationship. Asking God over and over, when will I find my knight in shinning armor. I never knew why I had this longing, I guess as little girls that is what we want, a man, a relationship, a prince charming. When I was not getting this relationship that I so desperately wanted God to give me, I began to get lonely and ask God why is he taking so long?
I then read this book a few years ago called “Captivating” I recommend it! I realized that I have to let God be my first love, he is actually my prince charming. And once I realized these things, my loneliness, and longing for a relationship, quit. I was content with what I had God. And God was enough. And I know it is all in his time, and someday he will put prince charming in my life. I need only to be still, and patient.
I think women are scared to be the changers of things. But the women that are the “not so well behaved” in the church, I think are the women that in the end, other women look up to, they are the role models for other women to speak out. I think some women/men have this motto towards women “Women should not speak out of turn” Well I think women are finding their voices, and are starting to speak out.
I hope this made sense, I was all over the place, but I tried to type as fast as my brain was thinking.
Thank you for writing your post. It it I think will encourage lots of women to speak out, and not be scared.
Keep going Heather! God has given you this platform to change one life at a time. And if God calmed the storm on the sea, He can calm you with His grace. Don’t give up yet!
I totally understand where you’re coming from! Exposing your ‘secret self’ is a scary, scary thought. In recent years I’ve disclosed stuff I never thought I would/could, and addressed issues head on that I had been too ashamed to even think about. But the crazy/awesome thing was that even though I was sooo nervous, and thought the emotions would completely overwhelm me: I knew God was there holding my hand, shielding me from the full force of everything. It was bearable. And, wow, the sense of relief I felt after dealing with it all!
The best thing is that good can come from the bad things you have done or had happened to you – Romans 8.28. I suspect this is what He is doing with your blog. I look forward to hearing more of your story!
I totally understand where you’re coming from! Exposing your ‘secret self’ is a scary, scary thought. In recent years I’ve disclosed stuff I never thought I would/could, and addressed issues head on that I had been too ashamed to even think about. But the crazy/awesome thing was that even though I was sooo nervous, and thought the emotions might overwhelm me: I knew God was there holding my hand, shielding me from the full force of everything. It was bearable. And, wow, the sense of relief I felt after dealing with it all!
The best thing is that good can come from the bad things you have done or had happened to you – Romans 8.28. I suspect this is what He is doing with your blog. I look forward to hearing more of your story!
Heather, Thank you for not hiding behind the delete button anymore. I have felt so alone lately, with such a desire for Godly fellowship. Its not easy to find here in the little town in which I currently reside, but through your blog God is reminding me He is not limited by time or space or anything. I have been meaning to write you for a long time and I too have been hiding behind the delete button, but after reading this God also reminded me He has put people in my path that I can share my heart with and you are one of those people. Thank you for your honesty and opening yourself up to touch the lives of others.
I write in a blog too, and I often struggle with using the delete button too much. Sometimes I write blog posts, but don’t publish it for months until the problem I was dealing with is a distant memory. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one who does that constantly (however, I think at some point in time, you might get tired of that delete button and you’ll learn to just let the thoughts flow and become more comfortable with anything/anything that finds its way into your writing).
And I think you’re right in saying that we (women) fear losing relationships to the point that we keep our deepest, darkest secrets quiet. I’m not sure why we do that, though, because there’s so much to gain in sharing our secrets/problems. You’re right..we should speak up.
Thanks for doing this Heather! I have chosen to live in the ‘i’m fine’ life, although i am trying to break those habits. Thanks so much for being open, i really look up to you, i think this blog is going to helpful, and hopefully healing
As I was reading this it really started to remind me of something my husband & I have been fighting over for years now….the role of women in the church. He feels women should basically have no role in the church, whereas I feel women are called now just as men are to do whatever it takes to bring people to Jesus. When he starts on the topic sometimes I feel as though I’m not as important to God, and because I got Saved while watching Joyce Meyer on tv 9 years ago that it may not be real….but then I snap back to reality & I KNOW…that I KNOW, that I KNOW, That I KNOW I am Saved! I have made a complete transformation from what I used to be & only 1 thing could have done that work within me..and that’s Jesus! So yes, I do get down about this sometimes..but I know that it’s just the devil trying to distract me. My question is this: how do I react to my husband when he says these things?
Wow…I’ve never heard it put that way, but it’s so, so true. “To be without a relationship is not to have life at all.”
It’s a constant struggle to get out from behind this wall of apparent safety that keeps my soul from being free. Yet it’s only in being vulnerable that we can be open and loving and discover new things.
One of my favorite quotes is from CS Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
I don’t want to be irredeemable.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. I’m really looking forward to more of your writing.
Wow…I’ve never heard it put that way, but it’s so, so true. “To be without a relationship is not to have life at all.”
It’s a constant struggle to get out from behind this wall of apparent safety that keeps my soul from being free. Yet it’s only in being vulnerable that we can be open and loving and discover new things.
One of my favorite quotes is from CS Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
I don’t want to be irredeemable.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. I’m really looking forward to more of your writing.
AMEN! I grew up in a very hush-hush kind of culture. I’m Egyptian, and the general rule is don’t share what people can twist because Egyptians are gossips, and if you say ONE thing wrong, the entire church will be giving you stares from the moment you walk in until the moment your car is out of site.
Little by little I’ve been trying to break through this culture, break through the taboo of sharing your life with others in my own blog http://stmarkqt.wordpress.com/ . It’s based on daily readings, but I share my meditations. Have people said things discouraging me from sharing again? Without a doubt! But especially upon hearing about this blog, I feel like God is telling me, “share, because if you don’t, you’ll be missing out on opportunities for your own healing as well as healing for those reading your blog, even if they are just one or two individuals.”
God bless you Heather!
Whom the Son sets free is FREE INDEED.
We are not to be reminded of our past. Jesus delivered us from all that. IS WHAT I’VE HEARD ALL MY LIFE FROM T.V RADIO & IN CHURCHES.
SO I BURY IT & I’m not healed.
Still on my own ‘by myself brain injuries with complex seixures & pass out.
Yea I’m a lovely candidate for a mate huh?
can someone please help me on this & don’t tell me to wait
I’ve waited 15 yrs. Help me :@(
I meant siezures
sorry
I’m so happy you decided to make this blog. It’s already helping me out to realize things and I’m sure it will help many many others too
Thanks Heather! I’m so sick and tired of being scared and not wanting to share personal problems in my own life.
Thank you, thank you for starting this blog. Really.
What if they do reject me? What if I reject myself? So often I see me and the ugliness and the sin and I am too scared to let anyone in; even God. It hurts to much, and I’ve made so many mistakes.. and I just.. I don’t know.
Beth, you have to remember that Christ knows everything. He’s seen the sin in your life and has already forgiven you of it. Cling to James 5:6 that tell you to confess your sins to one another so that you can be HEALED. If others reject you, it is not because your sin is so great, it is because their sin is so great and your confession to them brings about conviction. Dear Beth, do not fear, for ultimately, Christ has and is redeeming you. Even if you may not feel it right now. So let Him in.
Thank you. Thing’s are just rough right now. I am exhausted from fighting and trying to heal etc. And I am just losing hope that freedom is possible.
I think healing, at least for me, is a life long process. Just remember to rest in His grace and know that each day is new. He is perfecting you right now. Like a diamond has to go through heat and pressure to come out so beautifully, so are you. Don’t lose hope Beth. He WILL set you free.
Yes, Thank you.
i love this. i love the idea of expressing myself without feeling shameful. its so difficult to share my inner thoughts because i feel like i have to meet expectations. i to a certain extent have a good testimony, i try to maintain a pure life, but i make MANY mistakes. and many times when young ladies and youth try to follow my lead, i fear, i fear i will let them down. i fear that they will not only be disappointed but they may think im hypocritical if i fail. i fear to fail. but in moments when i weaken, it saddens me because i have to give a “everything is fine” face when in reality i am tearing up, all i need is a hug, someone to tell me it’ll be ok. i hope ill be able to find this as a place where i can be myself and express myself
Thank you for blogging 
God bless you
Jemm,
I want to free you from you fear. Think about someone who has been so honest to you about their short comings and how God is seeing them through. Do you think less of them or do you respect them for showing that they too are a sinner needing the Lord’s grace? Don’t be afraid to show these youth girls that you are broken. We are meant to be broken. We aren’t Christ, and so those who expect perfection from us are diluting themselves. Be strong and know that your openness is a blessing you can pour into these girls that you may not even ever know.
I’ve been reading since you’ve began writing this blog and this entry has hit me the hardest, in the best way possible. Loneliness and rejection are definitely the things that I am most scared of in life and this has definitely helped. What you are doing is so amazing and such a blessing, thank you so much. Tenth Avenue North is my favorite band and it’s so awesome that everyone involved with the band, including the wives, are so inspirational and knowledgeable of the Word.
PS. You referenced Isaiah 41:9-10 and my favorite scripture verses are Isaiah 41:9-13
Thanks for posting this. This post really spoke to me.
Thank you so much for sharing! Before I came to Christ, I actually thought I was keeping all the things I was doing a secret. It sounds so ridiculous to me now. But that is also the one thing that brought me to Christ. Yeah, He knows all the screwed up stuff I have done and probably will do. And He loves me anyways! What a relief! I didn’t have to hide all that crap weighing me down, that wasn’t hid from the Lord anyways. I have been a drinker, and a whole slew of other things. But that does not make me who I am because of Christ. And BONUS; now I have someone to have faith in and talk to and lay all my troubles on. And He will never leave me. I don’t have trouble telling people things that I have said or done. Because they were all washed white with the blood of my Savior when I asked forgiveness and repented. Continue to blog. I am so glad you are doing it. I pray anyone reading your blog or posts left here can feel the love that Christ really has for us all!
before admitting how screw i was… sharing the fact that i was a cutter… i would never admit my mistakes, my sins.. because i was so scared of how people would think of me…How people react? and i would think about how people would think. because people except me to be so perfect…and the problems is i actually tried to be perfect in their minds and in their eyes but it cause so many stressful in my life and i can’t be perfect. i tried to act like everything is fine… i was just like that. i have my “Everything is fine” and the truth… not everything is fine but some people except me to be perfect and i can’t. i was so scared to admit my sins because i am letting my wall down. i am putting my masks down and i started to think..what if.. and while i was trying to break my chain from self harm… i actually wonder
“It is worth it? Freedom from self harm?
Did i do the right thing?
I need to go back to my old life!
i have all of those thoughts in my head…but somehow admitting my self harm… actually gave me healing, redemption, freedom, Love, God’s grace. i never admitting my sins can be actually one of the most amazing feeling i ever had and it’s priceless.
i still have that feeling!
thank you so much for posting, I’m enjoying reading your words full of honesty and encouragment. <3
Wow….so true. This is something I’ve been thinking on a whole lot lately. I’ve never opened up to anyone at all, becuase I’m afraid of what they would think. Rejection is truly the biggest fear in my heart, so I am constantly feeling like I have to perform. There have been days where I send smiley faces over a computer screen saying “I’m doing okay” while tears run down my face becuase I am anything but okay. I mean, I know God knows, but sharing with other people…. Why is this so hard?
Great post, thanks so much for posting. God Bless. <3
Asdfghjkl. This. Oh my gosh. It’s like you took my mind and put it into words except then you explained everything and… wow. That was really good. *applause*
Side note: I’m listening to my ipod and You Are More started playing while I was reading this and now all my feelings are on overload. lol